Breaking to Build

And if it comes to the rain, just be glad you'll smile again
'Cause so many don't.
And so many go unnamed.
-Failure by Laura Marling

Life is really hard sometimes. Speaking for myself, it feels like life is the soap opera that never ends. For example, last year was a terrible year for me. I graduated, moved out, became a stripper, got engaged, lost contact with my mother, had terrible fights with my fiance, had to move back in with my parents, got pregnant, had a miscarriage, was betrayed by a few people I thought I could trust, and finally the love of my life moved out and broke up with me. And that's just last year. Needless to say, I became unglued. I stopped eating, stopped smiling, stopped trusting.

But slowly, I am getting back to loving. Not really loving my ex, but loving the memories. Not really loving those who hurt and betrayed me, but loving the fact that I'm still here. It's not what you've been through, but how you choose to react. Being the child of addiction, I struggle to find the balance between taking on all the pain sober and drinking myself into a stupor just so I don't have to deal. I must admit, sometimes I fall off my mother's wagon. Sometimes my emotional scars feel like broken bones, where the pain can only be soothed by a shot of whisky.

Last night was a ridiculous night. I felt like I was dying of heat stroke, I had received some good/bad news from a close friend, and just when I felt like the night couldn't get any worse? Mine and my ex's song came on in the hookah lounge. Quelles chances. On top of it all, I felt this strange distance between my very close friends (labeled "The Brothers") and myself.

At the end of last night, however, my best friend held me close and told me this: "I know you've been through a lot. I know you feel like you're close to breaking, but you're not. You're ok. You're still here and you will be stronger through all of this."

I reflect upon this: stronger. I wonder how I could possibly become stronger through this situation. However, it's becoming clear. Though I see myself as a wounded, starved bird, my friends and family see me as completely unbreakable. Why?  Because no matter what is thrown at me, I end up with a smile on my face. It never occured to me that some people don't. Some people hide their emotions in drugs and drink, some wear a perma-frown, some people can't take it and simply stop breathing.

Friends, Romans, Country Men, lend me your ear! The rain doesn't last forever! The sun will come out again. And until it does, play in the rain. Learn from it. Experience the bad and use it to make more good in the world.

Much Love,

Alaska