Alaska, darling, I have just finished Looking for Alaska by John Green. I know that it carries some meaning for you, and I must say that you are not alone. It carries meaning for me, too.
There are some stories that are intensely personal. John Green said it himself in The Fault in Our Stars -- "Sometimes, you read a book and it fills you with this weird evangelical zeal, and you become convinced that the shattered world will never be put back together unless and until all living humans read the book. And then there are books which you can't tell people about, books so special and rare and yours that advertising your affection feels like a betrayal."
While Looking for Alaska is not that book, because that position has already been filled, it still strikes that chord. I love it, and I think it would be personal for the majority of readers. I know it is certainly that book for a few readers, simply because of its message.
The labyrinth of suffering. One of the greatest things about this book, I think, is that it never once diagnosed Alaska with depression. It never gave the reader a straight answer. It explained Buddhism, Christianity, and Islam, but never said that they knew the answers. Never. People like to categorize things -- she has depression, life has suffering and so [insert religion here], that death was complicated but no so complicated that we couldn't find a label and the label is suicide, etc. They try, they try, they try. They fail. The labyrinth, it turns out, is bigger than any answer.
"Answers are for squares," says the labyrinth, "and I am an undefined shape."
(By the way, I just ordered The General in His Labyrinth by Gabriel Garcia Marquez and I plan on reading it ASAP).
Have you guessed yet? The labyrinth is different for each and every person, so how could there be a perfect way out? The labyrinth laughs at answers, too, so how could there be a solution? Reality can be poison. We can become so caught up in labeling everything that we forget the world runs on nonsense. On Alice's Wonderland. Ask the labyrinth again.
"How will I ever get out of this labyrinth?"
What if the labyrinth responds with another question? "How do you see me?"
How do you see the labyrinth? How do you see anything? Life? Death? Babies, even? How do you see at all? I do not think we are blind. If we were blind, we would not see the labyrinth. The fact is, we can see it, and that is all. We can see its pain, its suffering, but we can also see its beauty. A reader would not mourn Alaska if she was not a beautiful person. Alaska left a scar because she was worth remembering. Because she was beautiful.
I suppose that is why I walk the labyrinth. I could go on about imagined realities created as coping mechanisms (American McGee's Alice, anyone?), but I don't want to, because that is it. The labyrinth is laced with beauty, and so I walk along its winding pathway. Sometimes the beauty outdoes the pain. Sometimes I feel that there is neither beauty nor pain outside of the labyrinth, and while that allows death to be a comfort, it also makes the labyrinth a valuable place.
Is that the question?
Why do you walk the labyrinth?
How do you walk the labyrinth?
Why is this goddamned labyrinth so important, anyway?
"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end..." -Semisonic
Change is beautiful if you embrace it. Sometimes all you need is one small epiphany to change your entire world, but sometimes change comes in the form of a giant wooden door, carved with good intentions and endless memories.
My favourite thing about endings are the beginnings that come out of them. This is my last day as an employee with the company I work for. Goodbyes are sad, but the older I get it seems the more necessary they become.
Why, you as the reader might ask, are goodbyes necessary? It's because you need to cut the old to grow. Think about it (in bad analogies): hair has to be trimmed occasionally in order for it to grow. Otherwise, all you're left with are split ends and dullness. Sometimes the most poisonous thing to someone who wants to improve their "youness" is being in the same situation, never growing. It has nothing to do with the people you're surrounded by or the situations you go through. It's simply that past perceptions or even current perceptions of yourself can strangle your ability to change and improve.
When I was in that relationship before summer, I felt that I was stuck to be the same person always. I would always be the no-nonsense Mother Goose. Every time I tried to branch out, to change, Joe would call me fake. In truth, I was changing right under his nose. I was becoming who I wanted to be. I think maybe that terrified him. He didn't understand that experimenting is a part of life, as is making mistakes. I've made some incredible mistakes, but I'm glad I did. I would have missed so much if I hadn't.
Evolution happens so slowly in broad world terms. But in personal terms, it can happen in the blink of an eye. When the "Joe Door" closed, I thought it would be the end of me. I loved him more than I ever thought I could. Yet, here I sit, still breathing (most likely better off them him right now). As that door closed, this beautiful opportunity to go to my absolute dream school was dropped in my lap--another door opens.
Now, as the door closes on the year I've worked at this company, where I will miss my friends' laughter and "blue shirt", I know that this is really just the beginning of a much larger and much more complicated tale of Alaska the College Girl. I won't be restricted to a desk or to my co-workers' opinions of their little 19 year-old comrade or even my own immature platonic conception of myself. I will be in a place with not many people who know who I am or where I've been.
So when I walk out the door today and let it close behind me, I will walk a little slower and linger with my foot on the clutch, waving goodbye to a wonderful year with fantastic friends and letting the Great Perhaps embrace me.
But don't worry, where ever I may go, I'll take you all along for the ride.
I've maybe made some mistakes, but this summer is one of no regrets, a clean conscience and a clean slate.
Two days after the end, the bitter bite that heartbreak can bring began in the pit of my stomach. How do I combat that? Hair dye. The plan was to dye it blond. I was at my mum's house and I receive a text from my Little Bird. He asked me how I was doing. Now, I am a pretty honest person. As a result, I told him about my love gone south. He came over and helped me dye my hair (it still ended up looking terrible, but he did an amazing job). He was a total angel, listening the way he did. He's a dear friend of mine. He gave me courage when I thought I had none. He inspired me.
Then, at Tequila Guy's work, I saw Bella's little sister. She was upset, no doubt. I ended up giving her some cigarettes and hearing about it in my car. I made many trips for her this summer. Sometimes at three in the morning when greedy eyes just wont let her sleep. Beautiful and scared, this little girl became like a little sister to me.
Once in a great while, you come across an old friend. I came across several. Due to a friend of a friend, I ended up seeing my childhood friend Sin again. Rather, my friend is her friend's boyfriend. We were so alike I couldn't believe we'd ever been apart. Then, I remembered a friend's birthday. We ended up hanging out in a Walmart parking lot, him explaining his own sordid and unfinished love affair that matched the one I just ended. He has a gorgeous smile, but his scream is deadly.
The fighter was a flirt. We'd been flirting for years, friends for years. We'd gone out on a date (with the most awkward hand-holding experience ever) but hadn't done too much before or after that. This summer changed that. We kissed in the rain (at my instruction) and smoked cigarettes on a patio bigger than my living room. We danced in the darkness and watched bad TV. He bought me soup.
Then there was my cute little Asian friend, who never ceases to be hysterical. He was there for me through times of good and bad. Together, we took on karaoke, annoying voiced chicks, hookah, and assisted me with kissing 4 people in a row. IN A ROW. Imagine how pimp I felt!
Then there is my lovely actor. He is so talented, such a wonderful friend. On nights where I couldn't go on, he was there with hugs and the occasional alcoholic beverage. He filled some of my nights with Chai Tea and cats and beautiful music. He's my darling love and I'm so sorry to have to leave him in a few weeks.
I also met my room mate for college. She is beautiful. Completely kind hearted. She has a voice that makes hearts melt. She took me to a bonfire and listened to me rant and rave about loneliness. Her boyfriend is--you guessed it--the random guy I made out with the first night (no, they were not dating that night).
I guess time is funny that way. Everything happens and it's all the consequence of something else. It's why I believe in nothing as a coincidence. As this beautiful mess winds down and evolves, I've come to the end of a season with absolutely no regrets, but with gorgeous memories. The adventures are not over. They're just beginning.
"Maybe any love we have is an angel in whatever form..." -Franchesca Lia Blocke
So my Summer started out a little rough. I was feeling more alone than I ever had. Well, for about 15 minutes. As it turns out, in my drunken blunder of that night, I had called a few friends I had lost touch with due to Joe. As a result, I had many friends wanting to hang out with their newly single friend.
The first was an incredibly hansom man. He had bedded my old roommate last summer. This summer, his hair was cut short and he was now in the Navy. He took me out to dinner and we then drove over to my mother's house. We began to kiss, his lips tasted like peppermints. As they say, one thing led to another...
Over the next several days, I began to fill the giant hole in my tiny tin heart with love for my friends and new experiences. I began my month and a half obsession with Buffy the Vampire Slayer (in which I watched every single episode of a 7 season series). I discovered hidden gems of music, falling completely in a deep and undying love with every fantastic song I heard. I found the courage to start singing again, start laughing again.
I spent time with Navy Boy and his friends. We drank and smoked and spent too much time up past when we should be. I fought a brick wall (seriously, the chick was huge compared to me and knew martial arts), went to a church called Scum of the Earth, went to an English Pub in Denver and ate Bangers and Mash.
I took my buddy (the Tequila Guy) home from work every single night. He made me these fantastic drinks with 3 shots of espresso and chocolate. We drank and kissed. Some nights, his adorable little son would fall asleep in the back of my car as Kimya Dawson's voice came through the speakers. Sometimes, he would vent to me. He would tell me about his son's mother or his work. My world was painted with the beautiful mysteries that was my dear Tequila Guy. Occasionally, I would vent to him about how I was tired or how I had no food in my system. He would listen, give me food, took care of me.
I became reacquainted with the enigma of the Brothers. Twin, who was born the exact date and time as me, took me to Loveland after I had an incredible urge to get out of town. We met some of his friends, watched burnout races, went to Lookout Mountain, and he kissed my drunken eyes to sleep. Biggest and Gentlest of the Brothers taught me about Green Magics, gave me tea, held me when I was too tired to walk. Best Friend held me some nights when I couldn't bear to be alone after he had a terrible breakup. We danced in smoke filled rooms and drank vanilla flavoured pop. In a little way, each of them was my perfect man, but mainly my perfect friends. They kidnapped me and took me to Colorado Springs, hanging on to me as I cried or nightmares infiltrated my imagination.
One of the reasons it's so easy to celebrate being single? The music. This is my awesome (yes, I'm a total music snob) playlist for being single. Warning: I have an ecliptic taste in music. Listen at your own risk.
(1) Ridin Solo by Jason Derulo-This song is the epitome of being single. Coincidentally, this is how I fell in love with Joe. He sang this song at karaoke and it inspired this courage in me. When we broke up, I stopped fearing this song and instead made it my own. Now, instead of getting that ugly pit of fear in my stomach, I feel fearless and bad ass.
(2) Single by Natasha Bedingfield-I love the awesomeness that ensues in this song. The lyrics perfectly describe my definition of single. She makes me think of pure and ultimate fearlessness. Is it a little retro? Yes! Does it make it any less of a kick ass song? Hell no.
(3) Winter Killing by Stina Nordenstam-I am totally in love with this song. It has everything I love in a song. It's beautiful melody, epic rhythm, gorgeous lyrics, and it's fucking STINA. Best line? "I'm safer with me here, and you there."
(4) Single Ladies by Beyonce-I'm pretty sure it's impossible to create a single playlist without including this song. I dare you to listen without dancing. Ha! In any event, I love this song because, once again, it CELEBRATES being single (don't worry guys, you can dance too. No Judgement).
(5) Cough Syrup by Young the Giant-This song deserves to be blasted from speakers and sent out into the world. Life's too short to even care at all, as the song says. It has taken me from every bad mood I've had and transformed me into a strong little thing. Because why spend so much time pining? Why not just enjoy.
(6) We Are Young by Fun.-How many times have you just died to throw your fist up in the air when the chorus comes up? Is it just me? This song is the voice of our generation calling to us (not to literally set the world on fire, though, so please don't get too many bad ideas). Celebrate with friends, celebrate alone, but seriously CELEBRATE this moment. We can afford to be young and dumb every once in a while. So grab your buddies and sing this song as loud as humanly possible.
(7) You and I by Lady Gaga-I love this song. LOVE LOVE LOVE. Truly madly, deeply impassioned. This song makes me want to grab my imaginary stilettos and dance with someone hot. Someone I don't know. I had some severe reservations about this song. Because she's talking to an ex lover. Still, it's my power song. How much does it fill your body with courage? Plus, Mr. Gaga is just about the hottest thing I have ever seen.
(8) Bad Reputation by Joan Jett-Joanie is my favourite person in the entire world (aside from the Most Interesting Man in the World). She is so bad ass that she doesn't need anyone. She doesn't care what anyone thinks of her. When I'm nervous, I just think WWJJD? And then I sing this song. And then I know.
(9) Famous Last Words by My Chemical Romance-I am going to get this song tattooed on me somewhere. "I am not afraid to keep on living, I am not afraid to walk this world alone..." It used to scare me. I used to need someone with me (more specifically Joe). But one day it hit me. Adopt that which you fear, like Ridin Solo, and you have power. Truth is, this song taught me that being alone and not compromising what is most important to you isn't scary. It's liberating.
(10) So What by Pink-needless to say, this song caused a lot of discussion. On one side, it is one of the best single songs ever. However, being single is about more than breaking up. It's choosing to be a rock star...with or without someone else. Again, channel your inner bad ass. Being single rocks AS LONG as you treat it as such. Aside from that, Pink is kick ass, how can you not feel amazing listening to her music?
(11) Oh So Quiet by Bjork-Ok, so playing this song while I'm working is a hazard. Every time I listen to it, I want to randomly break out in song and dance. In any event, I really love the comparison between the light, quiet times (single) and the big Broadway-sounding times (relationships). Plus, relationships always make me scream like that.
(12) There is A Light by the Smiths- I am madly in love with the Smiths. If anyone remembers Zooey Deschanel in the elevator in 500 Days of Summer, this is the song she was singing along to. The Smiths are all about horrible unending misery. Consequently, this is not a very single type of song. However, this reminds me of my friends, of me, of feeling like there is no home. So, I know it has nothing to do with being single, but it's really fun to sing along with.
(13) Bad Day by Dresden Dolls-I am also madly in love with Dresden Dolls. There are so many little lyric snippets in this song that pertain to being deliciously single. They include, "I'd rather be a bitch than be an ordinary broken heart" and "I'd like to do more than survive, I'd like to throw it in your face." Maybe these little lines help me every time I'm in Joe's neighborhood (well, that and the Jeep Song). It's a power animal--like a penguin--in song format...plus I love that extra bit at the end.
(14) Once More With Feeling by Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly.-This song is so beautiful. So inspiring. I seriously don't remember where I first heard it, but what I do know is how much it's helped me though. The best part? "You know it's not naive to think that you can change the things around, and that no man is an island..."
(15) Decoy by Paramore-I feel horrible that this song is on here, but sometimes it's kill or be killed. If some people weren't my decoys, I would be that decoy. They all know that they're decoys. I'm not evil. "I was gone from the very first day..."
(16) New Romantic by Laura Marling-And this is the reason for the decoys. I'd listened to this song plenty of times while being single, but it's never fit like this. "My mind has fucked me over more times than any man could ever know..." If you know me, you probably know how freakishly suiting this song is for me. I love the simplicity of knowing that it just isn't working. It won't work. I am an island of my own.
(17) Pale Blue Eyes by Velvet Underground-For those almost romances, or maybe you're the one with the "Pale Blue Eyes"...in any event, it reminds me of the last frame of the Graduate. **Spoiler Alert!** He knows that she's married, he knows it'll never happen, so does she. Still, they tried. And there is nothing more heartbreaking than that last frame, knowing that he was just seconds too late. With this song, regardless of who you are in the situation, you're feeling more single than you ever have.
(18) Bang Bang by Christina Perri-This song makes me giggle. Because Karma does, in fact, taste so sweet. So don't obsess over exs, just know karma always balances everything.
(19) All She Wrote by TI and Eminem-This is a complete and total guilty pleasure. Remember those songs I used to fear? Well, Joe conditioned me to fear this song. He played it every time he was mad at me. So what did I do? Well, in my goodbye letter to him, I wrote "Goodbye, it's over with." Also, I enjoy having my own money and not have to buy anything for anyone else. So, I love rapping along.
(20) Shake It Out by Flourence and the Machine-I am so enamored with affection for the line "And I am done with my graceless heart, so tonight I'm going to cut it out and then restart". It's time to let go of the past (the devil on your back). I believe so deeply in self transformation and being single is the perfect time to accomplish it. I would love to cut out my graceless (tiny tin) heart.
(21) Best Damn Thing by Avril Lavigne-considering what I titled this blog post, I am shocked I almost didn't put it on here. In any event, this makes me smile. Because I may not have a lot of confidence sometimes, but I truly am a scene. If you acted more like this, I bet you'd have no problem being single. You'd be so confident in yourself and know EXACTLY what you want: your Cinderella story scene.
(22) Addicted by Saving Abel-This is my naughty side coming out. And this is the way I treat being single. Because, darlings, being single is not about being alone. It's about being whatever you want to be. If you want to be a "succubus" (as the Brothers refer to me), then you can be a succubus. If you want to be a saint, you can be that too. If you're lonely, you have to channel the inner bad ass.
(23) The Undertaker by Puscifer (Renhold Remix)-I drive too fast with this song. Anyway. The vocals in this song are simply astounding. This song makes me feel better about being single and about trusting people. Some people are just liars, losers, and fakes. It doesn't mean you have to put up with it and it certainly doesn't mean you have to be like them.
(24) Young Blood by Naked and Famous-This song reminds me of a summer romance, but not a relationship. "The bittersweet between my teeth, trying to find the in-between, Hold back and love eventually." The art of being exclusively non-exclusive. Which is my favourite game.
(25) Youth by Foxes-I hate techno and dubstep. This song, however, resonates within me. "Don't tell me our youth is running out, it's only just begun..." Something super important about being single is celebration: celebration of youth, of independence, of life and limb. This song reminds me of that celebration.
(26) Sing by My Chemical Romance-This song gives me shivers like no other. I'm obsessed with songs that call you out and tell you to sing--to sing loud, to sing off key, to sing for those who can't or choose not to, sing for those with nothing to sing about. Singing is my favourite artistic expression. Singing about your singleness or "the ones you left behind" is the ultimate cure for those lonely days (if this song inspires you, look up Sing by the Dresden Dolls--you'll love it).
(27) What's Up by 4 Non-blondes-This is the song to sing loudly and off key, or on key. It's incredible and the most highly under rated song in the world. "And so I cry sometimes when I'm lying in bed, to get it all out, what's in my head and I, I'm feeling a little peculiar". I don't feel I need to justify this song on this playlist.
(28) Raise your Glass by Pink-My roommate and I discussed at length whether to include this song or So What. Then I remembered, it's my playlist. I can have both. As a "Dirty Little Freak", this song is all about the party, about experiencing and not getting into serious relationships that leave you downtrodden and broken. Just raise your glass and have fun.
(29) Skyscraper by Demi Lovato- On a more serious note, this song is bad ass. Really bad ass. She is so tiny but so strong. Be more like Demi Lovato
(30) Free Bird by Lynyrd Skynyrd- This song is all about cutting ties and being single, almost in a Christopher McCandless sense (without the dying and such). Whenever I'm scared of being alone, I listen to this song and realize that I'm an unchangeable bird, with an epic ending guitar solo.
(31) I Want to Break Free by Queen- My theme song! This is not just about breaking free from relationships, but also breaking free from societal rules and social expectations.
***yes, I do have a new found obsession with youth. enjoy your body before your tits start sagging!!***
"I'm feeling like a star, you can't stop my shine, I'm loving cloud nine, my head's in the sky, I'm solo, I'm riding solo..." -Jason Derulo
I love being single and there are just so many reasons why. But the top ones have to be these:
(1) You don't have to worry about your privacy being invaded.
(2) Everything you get, you don't have to share.
(3) You can be impulsive, ask for someone's number, make out with some hottie you just met...
(4) More time to spend with friends.
(5) Changing yourself for you, not for what your Insignificant Other wants you to be.
(6) No jealousy or suspicion.
(7) You're not tied down. You could run away to Paris if you really wanted to.
(8) You feel like a whole person, not just part of a couple.
(9) NO IN-LAWS!
(10) You can watch all those movies that some people might not like (for instance, chick flicks...southern chick flicks).
(11) Much more fun at clubs and social gatherings.
(12) You're not a trophy. You are you, in unapologetic abundance.
(13) You have more time to focus on school/work/hobbies, etc.
(14) Every new person you meet, a first kiss.
(15) You don't have to hang out with people you don't really like.
(16) You can have your place just the way you want it.
(17) You don't have to worry about your phone always being on you.
(18) It's all yours. You're not cleaning anyone else's mess, buying anyone else's cigarettes, or wondering who's pair of underwear was kicked under your bed.
(19) There is no pressure on you to be a certain way.
(20) Food. You can eat the food where ever you want, when ever you want, you can eat whatever you want. You want to eat your food in your birthday suit? Go for it.
With that, I will talk about some utterly fantastic recipes for singles:
Honey dijon pork chop for 1
Minutes to Prepare: 10
Number of Servings: 1
Ingredients
3 oz. boneless pork chop 3 tsp. honey 1 tsp dijon mustard 1 tsp lemon juice Pepper to taste
Directions
Makes one serving
mix honey, dijon mustard, and lemon juice. Rub pepper into pork chop. Cook in no fat cooking spray until brown. Add liquid mixture until carmelized.
Tandoori Chicken
2 lbs. chicken (cut into 1-inch cubes)
1 cup plain yogurt
Juice of 1 lemon
2 teaspoons curry powder
1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
1 teaspoon fresh ginger, grated
1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper (optional)
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 Tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil
1/2 onion, thinly sliced
1/4 cup fresh cilantro, minced
2 cups cooked white rice
In a bowl, combine yogurt, lemon juice, curry powder, garlic powder, ginger, cayenne and salt. Add chicken and stir until chicken is completely coated. Transfer to a resealable plastic bag and refrigerate for at least 1 hour and up to 24 hours.
In a large skillet, heat olive oil over medium heat. Add onions and sauté until translucent and tender, about 10 minutes. Add chicken and cook about 7-8 minutes, stirring often, until completely done.
Serve over rice and top with fresh cilantro.
Broccoli and Cheese Calzones with Tomato Dipping Sauce
1 package frozen pizza dough, thawed
1 (10 ounce) package frozen broccoli florets, thawed and finely chopped
1/3 teaspoon garlic powder
1/2 teaspoon dried oregano
1 cup shredded mozzarella
1/2 cup grated Parmesan
2 Tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil, divided
Jarred tomato sauce
Preheat oven to 500 F.
In a medium bowl, combine broccoli, garlic powder, oregano, mozzarella, parmesan, and 1 tablespoon olive oil. Set aside.
Divide pizza dough into four sections. Roll each piece into a six-inch circle. Evenly divide broccoli mixture onto 1/2 of each circle, leaving a 1/2 inch border. Fold the unfilled side over the filling. Crimp the edges with a fork.
Place the calzones onto a lightly-greased baking sheet. Using a pastry brush, coat each calzone with remaining 1 tablespoon olive oil. Bake for 15 minutes, or until golden brown. Sprinkle with parmesan and serve with prepared tomato sauce.
Breakfast Smoothie
1/2 cup frozen fruit
1/2 cup yogurt
1 cup milk
Combine all ingredients in a blender and blend until smooth.
Chocolate-Peanut Butter Milkshake
1 cup chocolate ice cream
2 Tablespoons peanut butter
1 cup milk
Combine all ingredients in a blender and blend until smooth.
Spaghetti Carbonara
1 lb. spaghetti
8 slices bacon, cut into 1/2 inch pieces
3 eggs
3/4 cup grated parmesan cheese
1/2 cup pasta water
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
In a large pot of salted boiling water, cook spaghetti until al dente, about 8-9 minutes. Drain and reserve 1/2 cup of pasta water.
In a large sauté pan, cook bacon until crisp. Transfer to a paper towel-lined plate to drain. Drain grease from pan.
In a bowl, whisk eggs, parmesan, pasta water, and pepper. Place pasta in large sauté pan over medium-low heat. Quickly stir in egg mixture and reserved bacon and toss to coat. Remove from heat and serve immediately.
3 slices of the cheese of your choice (I use American, mainly because I'm a junkfooder like that)
4 thin slices of ham
2 pieces of bread (again, to your choosing. Wonderbread rocks)
Margarine or Butter
Prep:
Pull out ingredients, lightly cover both sides of each slice of bread with butter/margarine (if you put too much on, the bread will become too soggy and tear). Turn stove up to 6...NO MORE THAN 6! That's how you can end up with Cajun style Grilled Cheese. Assemble ingredients: (1) bread, (1) cheese, (2) ham, (1) cheese, (2) ham, (1) cheese, (1) bread.
Cook:
Put the fully assembled sandwich on the stove. Leave it there for about three minutes without moving it. I promise you that if the bread is fully grilled, it will not stick to the bottom. After three minutes, lightly tap the bottom piece with a spatula. If it moves and is hard, flip that bad boy. If the crust is still weak, leave it be for another minute. The second side will take less time to cook. Tap the bottom piece the same way you did with the other. I always flip it twice to make sure both sides are golden.
Serve:
Put GHC on a plate, put condiments on plate, enjoy.
Hello dears. Alaska asked me to write a few posts for her blog, and I’ll admit that I was nervous. Honestly, I will always be nervous with regards to my writing. That’s okay, though. Alaska’s declaration of “single week” made me smile, and I have a few things to say, for those that might not enjoy the whole single thing.
You should never be defined by another person. Not now, not ever. If you lose sight of yourself, then how will your significant other see you? How will anyone? There will come a day in which you realize that you can’t simply melt into another person. You can’t become someone’s heart, no matter how nice it would be to just beat and love until you stop altogether. You can’t stop taking care of yourself. You always have to be strong on some level, and it is crucial that you find ways to do that. You have to catch yourself, in the end. It’s not so bad, though. All of that strength lives within you.
If you are recovering from a past relationship, I don’t recommend dwelling on the negatives. Grudges make one bitter, and blame is nothing but poison. The reality is that you can’t force another person to change. I am speaking from experience with several people when I say that. You can try, and you can wish, and you can ask them to be good again, but in the end only they have control. There is no point in driving yourself insane over someone else’s problems.
So what do you do? Well, I tend to retreat into myself and ask the universe what I can change. Granted, this self-evaluation doesn’t happen until I’ve gone through a fuckton of tea and books and music to offset the shock and the panic attacks my brain likes to throw in for good measure, but I do hit that point eventually. The pain runs its course, and then I am numb. Emotions are gone, and I ask myself if I still care. Do you know what the answer tends to be? My heart likes to say “yes,” in a very flat, matter-of-fact tone. At this point, I get mad at the damn thing, but it’s pretty fucking stubborn, so there you go.
If you are anything like me, you have probably been hurt by more than one person in your life. You might feel betrayed, frightened, lost, alone, etc etc etc. That’s okay, and completely normal. It’s also okay to believe that you can’t trust anyone but yourself, and it’s okay to not want to open up to another person for a while. It’s all okay. But how do you trust again? Do you ever heal in a way that lets your heart open up again?
“A fool is one who goes on trusting; a fool is one who goes on trusting against all his experience. You deceive him, and he trusts you; and you deceive him again, and he trusts you; and you deceive him again, and he trusts you. Then you will say that he is a fool, he does not learn. His trust is tremendous; his trust is so pure that nobody can corrupt it.
Be a fool in the Taoist sense, in the Zen sense. Don´t try to create a wall of knowledge around you. Whatsoever experience comes to you, let it happen, and then go on dropping it. Go on cleaning your mind continuously; go on dying to the past so you remain in the present, here now, as if just born, just a babe.
In the beginning it is going to be very difficult. The world will start taking advantage of you...let them. They are poor fellows. Even if you are cheated and deceived and robbed, let it happen, because that which is really yours cannot be robbed from you, that which is really yours nobody can steal from you.
And each time you don´t allow situations to corrupt you, that opportunity will become an integration inside. Your soul will become more crystallized.“
That quote is from the lovely Osho. He knows things.
Basically, bad things happen so that the good things have room. There will always be hard times in life, but you can’t let them ruin you. If you listen, and if you accept what the universe is trying to teach you with all of these bad things, then you will learn and become a better person.
So look at the bad things. Look at the loneliness, the sadness, the confusion. Take a good long look, open your mind, and pay attention. What can you learn from your aloneness? What can you learn from past relationships, past friendships, past family hardships? If you dwell on them forever, you will hurt yourself. If you let them change you for the better, then that is good. Ask yourself what you want to change about you, and what you want with the next person (or even the next attempt with an old relationship), but most importantly, ask yourself what you want with you. There is something to be learned from every bit of pain. Solitude is not a curse, but rather a blessing. A chance to learn. Never stop learning.
I hope you're all well, and thank you to Alaska for asking me to write.
