Hi Guys!
I'm sorry for the grim post followed by the month long hiatus. Obviously, I had to do some soul-searching and figuring out how to repair my broken heart. I won't lie to you and say I'm all better. I have my good days and my bad days. However, I'm getting back (very slowly) to a place where I can love myself and not cry every time I see a baby. Sometimes, when tragedy strikes, the best thing you can do is crawl deep into a hole for a little while. Emotionally, I've been in that hole for a while. I was so far into my little hole that it began to have a really nasty effect on my relationship. The trick is to climb back out of it.
So, how does one fall back in love with his or herself and life? I've been asking myself this for a month. I tried faking it, but it left me feeling emptier than ever. Honestly, it took several things. First, I needed big changes. Not just a hair color, but a full 180. I moved into a new place, got a new job, and even changed my number. And yes, I changed my hair. I didn't realize that these changes were beyond necessary. I even plan on going to a community college this fall. I just needed to get away from the stagnant hamster wheel and focus on the future.
Next, I desperately needed to get back to basics, to really find the things that make me happy. Don't get me wrong. My relationship with my boyfriend is incredibly fulfilling, but between both of our grieving, I needed to start looking at other things that make me happy. I, believe it or not, started READING my blog. I watched my fail-safe movie Elizabethtown. I watched the Amanda Palmer TED talk about 20 times. Slowly, but surely, I began to remember the things that used to make me happy and started going after that again.
I had to admit to myself that I was depressed. I'm fairly independent, so much to the point that, when something bad happens to me, I tend to shut myself off and try to deal with everything internally. I never want to ask for help. I had a mental breakdown like no other last night, but I was so closed off to everyone that not even my boyfriend, who I continuously push away, noticed. He saw me crying and held me, but he didn't understand--nor could I put into words--how depressed and terrified I have been. That hole completely and totally screwed me over.
So what do I do now? Here's my plan: I'm going to pick myself up by my big girl bootstraps and start living again. I am going to start looking in the mirror every day and compliment myself. I'm going to go on walks and stop isolating myself. I'm going to do this for every person who ever said that I was strong and for everything I love about life. And I'm going to keep blogging.
Yours Truly,
Alaska
Friday, June 14, 2013
Friday, May 3, 2013
Bad News
Hey guys!
I know it's been a couple weeks since I've written anything and I'm truly sorry about that. I had to take some time off, but I'll tell you why. I hope that, in writing this, a good message will come out of it and this won't be a "poor Alaska" post.
Two weeks ago, I went in for a visit with my doctor. My obstitrition. Yes, guys and gals of the internet, I was 14 weeks pregnant. I sat in the waiting room excited, but a little nervous. It was my second ultrasound. Now, as some of you may remember, I had been pregnant before and had had a miscarriage. I found out that Charolette, what I named the child from that pregnancy, had no fetal heartbeat at that appointment. Needless to say, I was incredibly nervous.
They tried to hear my baby's heart beat, but they couldn't find it. Everyone told me not to freak out (I was hyperventilating). We got an ultrasound. Zach and I sat, our hearts in our throats. The ultrasound tech said, "oh dear, I may have some bad news for you guys." She left to go get our doctor. I prayed and begged for there to be a heartbeat. Zach stayed silent, holding my hand and stroking my hot cheek. Our doctor came in with the ultrasound tech and they watched the screen of no movement and no sound. I began sobbing.
Before I knew what was happening, we were in our doctor's office discussing what was going on. He wanted to make sure, so Zach scheduled an appointment for Monday and we took off. My heart was so broken that I completely shut off. We went back in on Monday and the news was no different. We both were completely shattered. Our friends came and sat with us that day.
Last Wednesday, I went in and got a dialation and curettage surgery. The hospital was horrible, everything just seemed awful. Zach sat by my side and we took turns calming each other down. Zach was terrified that I would die in surgery (not likely, but it could happen). I went into the OR and was put out.
I'm sorry guys. I can't finish this story today. I will write the rest on Monday.
I know it's been a couple weeks since I've written anything and I'm truly sorry about that. I had to take some time off, but I'll tell you why. I hope that, in writing this, a good message will come out of it and this won't be a "poor Alaska" post.
Two weeks ago, I went in for a visit with my doctor. My obstitrition. Yes, guys and gals of the internet, I was 14 weeks pregnant. I sat in the waiting room excited, but a little nervous. It was my second ultrasound. Now, as some of you may remember, I had been pregnant before and had had a miscarriage. I found out that Charolette, what I named the child from that pregnancy, had no fetal heartbeat at that appointment. Needless to say, I was incredibly nervous.
They tried to hear my baby's heart beat, but they couldn't find it. Everyone told me not to freak out (I was hyperventilating). We got an ultrasound. Zach and I sat, our hearts in our throats. The ultrasound tech said, "oh dear, I may have some bad news for you guys." She left to go get our doctor. I prayed and begged for there to be a heartbeat. Zach stayed silent, holding my hand and stroking my hot cheek. Our doctor came in with the ultrasound tech and they watched the screen of no movement and no sound. I began sobbing.
Before I knew what was happening, we were in our doctor's office discussing what was going on. He wanted to make sure, so Zach scheduled an appointment for Monday and we took off. My heart was so broken that I completely shut off. We went back in on Monday and the news was no different. We both were completely shattered. Our friends came and sat with us that day.
Last Wednesday, I went in and got a dialation and curettage surgery. The hospital was horrible, everything just seemed awful. Zach sat by my side and we took turns calming each other down. Zach was terrified that I would die in surgery (not likely, but it could happen). I went into the OR and was put out.
I'm sorry guys. I can't finish this story today. I will write the rest on Monday.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
When You Just Can't Handle It
Hello, Beautiful!
Ok, so what if you're not a woman or you don't have money for the QFAD Remedy? How can you pull yourself out of whatever funk you're in quickly enough to enjoy your day? As a radio DJ, I have a lot of experience in putting on a smile on days I don't want to. Sometimes, it's delusions of grandeur (i.e., my fans need me!!!), but for the most part, I follow these simple steps:
1. Give yourself 15 minutes to feel. You can feel sad, depressed, numb, pissed, whatever. Really immerse yourself in the feeling. Listen to appropriate music,write an angry email, etc. If it's anxiety you feel, this is a little bit tougher, but still possible. Let your imagination run wild with all the worst possible scenarios.
2. Identify what has you in the funk. Then say, "if Brittany Spears can get through 2007, I can get through today."
3. Now, if it's late at night or you have to pull yourself up quickly, acknowledge the fact that you're in a safe place and you can press "pause" on your feeling. Then hide it in a mental box. You can lock it up if you're worried, but keep the key close by. You're not shoving the problem under the rug, you're just saving it for later.
4. Come back to that feeling later, repeating steps 1-3. Then, when you're ready, identify things you can do to fix the problem. If you're like me, make a list. Lists are fantastic because you have a visual on what you have to do. This can be as creative or linear as you want to make it. Then DO IT! This is where So. Much. Stress. really comes in handy.
Now, start living your life for you, Superstar! And don't sweat the small stuff (everything is small)!
-Alaska
Ok, so what if you're not a woman or you don't have money for the QFAD Remedy? How can you pull yourself out of whatever funk you're in quickly enough to enjoy your day? As a radio DJ, I have a lot of experience in putting on a smile on days I don't want to. Sometimes, it's delusions of grandeur (i.e., my fans need me!!!), but for the most part, I follow these simple steps:
1. Give yourself 15 minutes to feel. You can feel sad, depressed, numb, pissed, whatever. Really immerse yourself in the feeling. Listen to appropriate music,write an angry email, etc. If it's anxiety you feel, this is a little bit tougher, but still possible. Let your imagination run wild with all the worst possible scenarios.
2. Identify what has you in the funk. Then say, "if Brittany Spears can get through 2007, I can get through today."
3. Now, if it's late at night or you have to pull yourself up quickly, acknowledge the fact that you're in a safe place and you can press "pause" on your feeling. Then hide it in a mental box. You can lock it up if you're worried, but keep the key close by. You're not shoving the problem under the rug, you're just saving it for later.
4. Come back to that feeling later, repeating steps 1-3. Then, when you're ready, identify things you can do to fix the problem. If you're like me, make a list. Lists are fantastic because you have a visual on what you have to do. This can be as creative or linear as you want to make it. Then DO IT! This is where So. Much. Stress. really comes in handy.
Now, start living your life for you, Superstar! And don't sweat the small stuff (everything is small)!
-Alaska
Monday, April 8, 2013
A Poisonous Maternal Relationship
Read me your tombstone, tell me you're sorry, fax me your will, you owe me something still
Blood is like water, the bath that you poured me has drained and it's gone...
-Don't Blame Your Daughter by the Cardigans
Hey guys!
I know I don't talk too much about myself and my daily goings-on on this blog, but I figured now might be a good time to start. The quote above is my feelings toward someone I honestly thought I'd never feel this way for. This post is about my mother.
From the time I was nine/ten to the time I was eighteen, I was not allowed to see or talk to my own mother. When I was younger, I didn't understand the reasons why and, as a result, I treated my father horribly. I wasn't allowed to see her because she was an alcoholic and the environment she put my brother and me in was a poisonous one. She didn't have the capability to provide us with some very simple things. For example, one year, she forgot Christmas. As a result, we didn't have any Christmas presents or a tree of any kind. I still remember my brother crying because he felt like he wasn't even important for Santa Clause to remember. While I knew better at that time, I was still astonished that she forgot. Our own mother forgot us. Luckily, my dad hadn't forgot and he had several presents and a tree at his house. Still, it was a rough thing for two very young people to go through.
She married a man that was abusive--both sexually and physically--to my family. I could make an argument that she was too afraid to leave him, but when you have kids on the line, the last thing you should be doing is shutting off the world and turning to the bottle. My brother and I have been traumatized from our past experiences. She simply didn't care. These are the reasons why we could not legally see her until the age of eighteen.
Still, when my grandmother died, she and I began to communicate by exchanging letters and emails. I thought it was right. I even went to a restaurant with her once and looked at her thinking "it's totally fine that I idolize her." After all, she was my mother. It shouldn't be a bad thing to lie to my father about communicating with her, right? Needless to say, my father found out and grounded me. I was so mad at him for such a long time. I didn't talk to her again until the day I turned into an adult legally.
I remember bringing two of my friends and telling them to be careful. I told them that she was very charismatic, but she is dangerous if you get too close. Unfortunately, I didn't listen to my own advise and spent two years loving her, caring for her, and being so mad I couldn't breathe.
This past winter break, Zach and I went to her place and her true colors came out. She was mean. She called me an attention whore and said terrible things to my brother. The worst part: she refused to quit drinking. My new stepfather (not abusive) had been working so hard to get her to quit, but he was falling into a pattern of denial. I spoke with her on the phone once after Winter Break and she was mad at me for my lack of sympathy. She didn't even ask me how I was doing.
I asked my dad and he blocked her number so that I could not receive phone calls from her. Still, I felt like I needed to tell her that she will no longer be a part of my life. I wrote her a message on Facebook. She wrote back and told me that I am no longer a part of her family. She later apologized for this, but only because my brother called her and told her to do so. The proudest day of my life was blocking her on Facebook. I said what I had to for me. I knew she would never listen to me.
She has since said terrible things about me to her friends, to my brother, etc. All the same, I remain calmed by the fact that I said my peace. I am happier without her poison in my beautiful world.
Guys, if you are in any form of relationship like this, it's time to get out. Don't try to save people who don't want to be saved. It'll only ever end up with you on the ground sobbing your eyes out. People like her--there is no getting through to them. Have the conviction to love yourself enough to prevent them from getting into your world. Regardless of who the person is, if they have no respect for you, then have enough love for yourself to let them go.
And make your world a little bit more beautiful.
-Alaska
Blood is like water, the bath that you poured me has drained and it's gone...
-Don't Blame Your Daughter by the Cardigans
Hey guys!
I know I don't talk too much about myself and my daily goings-on on this blog, but I figured now might be a good time to start. The quote above is my feelings toward someone I honestly thought I'd never feel this way for. This post is about my mother.
From the time I was nine/ten to the time I was eighteen, I was not allowed to see or talk to my own mother. When I was younger, I didn't understand the reasons why and, as a result, I treated my father horribly. I wasn't allowed to see her because she was an alcoholic and the environment she put my brother and me in was a poisonous one. She didn't have the capability to provide us with some very simple things. For example, one year, she forgot Christmas. As a result, we didn't have any Christmas presents or a tree of any kind. I still remember my brother crying because he felt like he wasn't even important for Santa Clause to remember. While I knew better at that time, I was still astonished that she forgot. Our own mother forgot us. Luckily, my dad hadn't forgot and he had several presents and a tree at his house. Still, it was a rough thing for two very young people to go through.
She married a man that was abusive--both sexually and physically--to my family. I could make an argument that she was too afraid to leave him, but when you have kids on the line, the last thing you should be doing is shutting off the world and turning to the bottle. My brother and I have been traumatized from our past experiences. She simply didn't care. These are the reasons why we could not legally see her until the age of eighteen.
Still, when my grandmother died, she and I began to communicate by exchanging letters and emails. I thought it was right. I even went to a restaurant with her once and looked at her thinking "it's totally fine that I idolize her." After all, she was my mother. It shouldn't be a bad thing to lie to my father about communicating with her, right? Needless to say, my father found out and grounded me. I was so mad at him for such a long time. I didn't talk to her again until the day I turned into an adult legally.
I remember bringing two of my friends and telling them to be careful. I told them that she was very charismatic, but she is dangerous if you get too close. Unfortunately, I didn't listen to my own advise and spent two years loving her, caring for her, and being so mad I couldn't breathe.
This past winter break, Zach and I went to her place and her true colors came out. She was mean. She called me an attention whore and said terrible things to my brother. The worst part: she refused to quit drinking. My new stepfather (not abusive) had been working so hard to get her to quit, but he was falling into a pattern of denial. I spoke with her on the phone once after Winter Break and she was mad at me for my lack of sympathy. She didn't even ask me how I was doing.
I asked my dad and he blocked her number so that I could not receive phone calls from her. Still, I felt like I needed to tell her that she will no longer be a part of my life. I wrote her a message on Facebook. She wrote back and told me that I am no longer a part of her family. She later apologized for this, but only because my brother called her and told her to do so. The proudest day of my life was blocking her on Facebook. I said what I had to for me. I knew she would never listen to me.
She has since said terrible things about me to her friends, to my brother, etc. All the same, I remain calmed by the fact that I said my peace. I am happier without her poison in my beautiful world.
Guys, if you are in any form of relationship like this, it's time to get out. Don't try to save people who don't want to be saved. It'll only ever end up with you on the ground sobbing your eyes out. People like her--there is no getting through to them. Have the conviction to love yourself enough to prevent them from getting into your world. Regardless of who the person is, if they have no respect for you, then have enough love for yourself to let them go.
And make your world a little bit more beautiful.
-Alaska
Friday, April 5, 2013
Queen for a Day Remedy
Hey guys!
This blog post is focused much more on women (hence the title), so if you're a guy, I won't be offended if you skip over this. I don't typically make posts toward a specific gender, but I thought it might be appreciated.
These are some tips on how to make yourself feel better while having a bad day. I call them my Queen for a Day Remedy:
1. Go to the store and buy ice cream, a magazine, mud mask (my favorite is this one right here except I get a big tube of it), a tiara, bubble bath or slightly wilted roses, cocoa butter lotion, hair dye (if you can afford it and are feeling bold), and other beauty supplies. I keep pretty stocked up with most of these things so that they're right at my fingertips in times of need. The more you do this, the more you'll figure out the products that work for you and the ones you can live without.
2. Take your laptop into the bathroom and listen to music while you clean (yes, I said clean). Cleaning your bathroom (the area where you'll be doing most of this) will give you a feeling of luxury and it'll clear the clutter in your brain.
3. Start by a relaxing bath. Pull back your hair and put on a mud mask, fill the bath with bubbles or petals (rose oils actually seep into your skin and relax you quite a bit), put on your tiara, and put on your favourite show. I usually watch Doctor Who, but any show you enjoy is going to be great for you. Also, put a nice cold (beer/smoothie/water/etc) next to the tub so you can sip and enjoy. Watch one episode of your show and then get out.
4. Something a lot of women (especially around my age) don't know how to do is to properly moisturize their body. I swear by cocoa butter, but any deep penetrating lotion will do (preferably one without fragrance). Also, put moisturizer on your face, which will make your skin more elastic and fresh. Do some typical grooming things (i.e., brush teeth, clip nails, tweeze eyebrows, etc).
5. Typically, I love to get a lot done at once. So, at this point in the process, I go nuts. I put the dye in my hair, flip on a show I love, and do my nails while eating ice cream and reading a magazine. If you don't like to get everything done at once, just pull apart this process and enjoy the pieces. This is your time to relax and do things to help you and make you feel better.
6. Then, I like to mega-clean my room and listen to happy music. Cleaning makes me happy, as I am not much for clutter. Sometimes it is a pain, but it usually takes my mind off of a situation. Plus, I feel a lot more in control of the chaos.
7. Put your tiara back on and watch an awesome movie. Mine is always Breakfast at Tiffany's because, well, it's Audrey. If classic movies aren't your thing, watch a movie that makes you feel like a queen. Make sure you do this in your PJ's or less...
8. Put more cocoa butter on before you go to sleep. You'll wake up feeling goddess-like all over. : )
If you want a playlist, click that happy "play" button.
Love you all and have a happy Friday!
-Alaska
This blog post is focused much more on women (hence the title), so if you're a guy, I won't be offended if you skip over this. I don't typically make posts toward a specific gender, but I thought it might be appreciated.
These are some tips on how to make yourself feel better while having a bad day. I call them my Queen for a Day Remedy:
1. Go to the store and buy ice cream, a magazine, mud mask (my favorite is this one right here except I get a big tube of it), a tiara, bubble bath or slightly wilted roses, cocoa butter lotion, hair dye (if you can afford it and are feeling bold), and other beauty supplies. I keep pretty stocked up with most of these things so that they're right at my fingertips in times of need. The more you do this, the more you'll figure out the products that work for you and the ones you can live without.
2. Take your laptop into the bathroom and listen to music while you clean (yes, I said clean). Cleaning your bathroom (the area where you'll be doing most of this) will give you a feeling of luxury and it'll clear the clutter in your brain.
3. Start by a relaxing bath. Pull back your hair and put on a mud mask, fill the bath with bubbles or petals (rose oils actually seep into your skin and relax you quite a bit), put on your tiara, and put on your favourite show. I usually watch Doctor Who, but any show you enjoy is going to be great for you. Also, put a nice cold (beer/smoothie/water/etc) next to the tub so you can sip and enjoy. Watch one episode of your show and then get out.
4. Something a lot of women (especially around my age) don't know how to do is to properly moisturize their body. I swear by cocoa butter, but any deep penetrating lotion will do (preferably one without fragrance). Also, put moisturizer on your face, which will make your skin more elastic and fresh. Do some typical grooming things (i.e., brush teeth, clip nails, tweeze eyebrows, etc).
5. Typically, I love to get a lot done at once. So, at this point in the process, I go nuts. I put the dye in my hair, flip on a show I love, and do my nails while eating ice cream and reading a magazine. If you don't like to get everything done at once, just pull apart this process and enjoy the pieces. This is your time to relax and do things to help you and make you feel better.
6. Then, I like to mega-clean my room and listen to happy music. Cleaning makes me happy, as I am not much for clutter. Sometimes it is a pain, but it usually takes my mind off of a situation. Plus, I feel a lot more in control of the chaos.
7. Put your tiara back on and watch an awesome movie. Mine is always Breakfast at Tiffany's because, well, it's Audrey. If classic movies aren't your thing, watch a movie that makes you feel like a queen. Make sure you do this in your PJ's or less...
8. Put more cocoa butter on before you go to sleep. You'll wake up feeling goddess-like all over. : )
If you want a playlist, click that happy "play" button.
Love you all and have a happy Friday!
-Alaska
Monday, April 1, 2013
Sending Out Possitive Engergy
Hello, Fellow Humans!
You shiver and shake at the prospects of what might happen soon. You worry and worry until it begins tearing your stomach to shreds. Regardless of whether it's school, money, telling you family something, or finding a job, we all have stress and worry.
Something that has been a prominent part of universal thinking in the past ten years is wish fulfillment. This is whether you believe in God, the Universe, or whatever else. I'm going to use "the Universe" for this one because it seems rather, well, universal. You send out your worry to the Universe, but that is perceived as a wish. Because of that, what you are worried about comes true. Send out hopes and aspirations, and you are typically met with those in return.
This is a tough thing. Especially for me. I try so very hard to be upbeat and positive, but little things (even the big things are small) beat me down and soon I am a little ball of stress (in my boyfriend's words). It seems damn near impossible to stay upbeat when you feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. Just remind yourself that whatever you're going through, huge and gloomy or small and annoying, is a tiny problem. It helps you really look at the issue you're going through and helps it become something manageable.
Then, envision or write or (if you're alone) act out the outcome you want. I know it seems silly to act it out, but it may lift some of the weight and make you feel like the issue has already been solved. It also give you clarity about how to resolve the issue. I used to think that these things would only get my hopes up to have them shattered, but if you hope, the worst that happens is that you might not get your way...for now. So envision! Say that you had some really life changing news to tell your family. Envision that your words are met with excitement and happiness.
Remember that you have to make the steps. This should go without saying, but I've known a lot of people who think that they'll have 5 million dollars dropped on their lap without lifting a finger. As much as I wish the world did that, you have to be the one to make it happen. Sending out positive energy is to encourage you and to help the Universe achieve maximum zen with you (sorry, obscure video game reference...play Peggle to understand that one).
Send out your happy thoughts and the Universe (God, Goddess, Flying Spaghetti Monster, etc) will help you.
-Alaska
You shiver and shake at the prospects of what might happen soon. You worry and worry until it begins tearing your stomach to shreds. Regardless of whether it's school, money, telling you family something, or finding a job, we all have stress and worry.
Something that has been a prominent part of universal thinking in the past ten years is wish fulfillment. This is whether you believe in God, the Universe, or whatever else. I'm going to use "the Universe" for this one because it seems rather, well, universal. You send out your worry to the Universe, but that is perceived as a wish. Because of that, what you are worried about comes true. Send out hopes and aspirations, and you are typically met with those in return.
This is a tough thing. Especially for me. I try so very hard to be upbeat and positive, but little things (even the big things are small) beat me down and soon I am a little ball of stress (in my boyfriend's words). It seems damn near impossible to stay upbeat when you feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. Just remind yourself that whatever you're going through, huge and gloomy or small and annoying, is a tiny problem. It helps you really look at the issue you're going through and helps it become something manageable.
Then, envision or write or (if you're alone) act out the outcome you want. I know it seems silly to act it out, but it may lift some of the weight and make you feel like the issue has already been solved. It also give you clarity about how to resolve the issue. I used to think that these things would only get my hopes up to have them shattered, but if you hope, the worst that happens is that you might not get your way...for now. So envision! Say that you had some really life changing news to tell your family. Envision that your words are met with excitement and happiness.
Remember that you have to make the steps. This should go without saying, but I've known a lot of people who think that they'll have 5 million dollars dropped on their lap without lifting a finger. As much as I wish the world did that, you have to be the one to make it happen. Sending out positive energy is to encourage you and to help the Universe achieve maximum zen with you (sorry, obscure video game reference...play Peggle to understand that one).
Send out your happy thoughts and the Universe (God, Goddess, Flying Spaghetti Monster, etc) will help you.
-Alaska
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Openness and Why I Bother... : )
I wanted to post this in order to clarify what, to a lot of people, has been a very confusing thing about this blog.
All the information that I have shared on this blog is disclosed for two reasons. The first is that I know there are so many people out there going through really difficult times. Some of the things that happen to people, I would have absolutely no idea how to deal with. However, I believe that there are many things I have been through that other people have either been through or are going through. I don't pretend to have all the answers. Everyone's lives are so different and what works for me may not work for someone else. All I want to do is let people know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that other people have survived what may be the worst thing to ever happen to someone. My mission for this blog, and for my life, is to help others cope and still fell like the beautiful miracle they are.
The second reason I am so open with what I say on the internet (which seems to be, more or less, getting me into a lot of trouble and making me look like a horrible person) is for a more personal reason. I would rather be an open and honest individual than have people surprised and hurt later because I didn't tell them something. My life is an open book. Every step I have made in life, good or bad, has gotten me to where I am right now. I don't suggest blabbing about yourself all over the internet, but I had to keep far too many secrets as a child to not speak out about my past now. There were several years spent in anxiety over the fact that I had to keep secrets from one parent for another parent.
With all of that being said, I want to talk about where I am hoping to take this blog. I want this to be an inspiration to others and I want more than anything for people to love themselves, have respect for themselves, and to remember that life is exactly what you want it to be. In other words, I want people to find their own "Muchness." In this, I also want this to be a place where you, my darling and incredibly appreciated reader, can feel free to contact me if you need help.
Have a wonderful night!
-Alaska
All the information that I have shared on this blog is disclosed for two reasons. The first is that I know there are so many people out there going through really difficult times. Some of the things that happen to people, I would have absolutely no idea how to deal with. However, I believe that there are many things I have been through that other people have either been through or are going through. I don't pretend to have all the answers. Everyone's lives are so different and what works for me may not work for someone else. All I want to do is let people know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that other people have survived what may be the worst thing to ever happen to someone. My mission for this blog, and for my life, is to help others cope and still fell like the beautiful miracle they are.
The second reason I am so open with what I say on the internet (which seems to be, more or less, getting me into a lot of trouble and making me look like a horrible person) is for a more personal reason. I would rather be an open and honest individual than have people surprised and hurt later because I didn't tell them something. My life is an open book. Every step I have made in life, good or bad, has gotten me to where I am right now. I don't suggest blabbing about yourself all over the internet, but I had to keep far too many secrets as a child to not speak out about my past now. There were several years spent in anxiety over the fact that I had to keep secrets from one parent for another parent.
With all of that being said, I want to talk about where I am hoping to take this blog. I want this to be an inspiration to others and I want more than anything for people to love themselves, have respect for themselves, and to remember that life is exactly what you want it to be. In other words, I want people to find their own "Muchness." In this, I also want this to be a place where you, my darling and incredibly appreciated reader, can feel free to contact me if you need help.
Have a wonderful night!
-Alaska
Friday, March 8, 2013
Crazy Changes
Hey guys!
Two weeks until we change our style! There will be two posts today: one is this post, in which I will explain the new and exciting changes I am making to the blog and two is going to be a survey for some general feedback. Your thoughts and opinions mean the world to me and I couldn't do any of this without your support.
This summer, I will be starting up an Etsy Shop to gain some extra income and put some of my talents to good use. I am hoping to find a way to reformat the blog so you guys will have first pick of the things I sell. Also, I'm going to start putting DIY projects and recipes up on Fridays. There will be a whole other section for this.
As you can tell from this week, I will now only be putting posts up on M/W/F. This way, I can keep on schedule and hopefully have more to write about. I am so excited for these changes!
I will post a survey later today. I would really love the imput!
Thanks for reading, guys!
-Alaska
Two weeks until we change our style! There will be two posts today: one is this post, in which I will explain the new and exciting changes I am making to the blog and two is going to be a survey for some general feedback. Your thoughts and opinions mean the world to me and I couldn't do any of this without your support.
This summer, I will be starting up an Etsy Shop to gain some extra income and put some of my talents to good use. I am hoping to find a way to reformat the blog so you guys will have first pick of the things I sell. Also, I'm going to start putting DIY projects and recipes up on Fridays. There will be a whole other section for this.
As you can tell from this week, I will now only be putting posts up on M/W/F. This way, I can keep on schedule and hopefully have more to write about. I am so excited for these changes!
I will post a survey later today. I would really love the imput!
Thanks for reading, guys!
-Alaska
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Forget Regret
Hey guys!
Today is about the past and regrets. Sometimes we do things that we aren't at all proud of. So what do you do in order to move past all the things that you've done?
Well, firstly, I want you to realize that, barring a sexy man in a bright blue box, you most likely don't have the option of time travel. You can't change past actions and words, you can just learn from your experiences and look towards a better future. The past is like concrete, you can bang your head against it, but it won't fix it's existence and it won't make you feel any better.
Apologize for the things that have happened. If it'll make you feel better, if it'll help you change, then apologize. However, there is only so long you can apologize for before it becomes moot and stagnant. If someone continuously makes you feel bad for it, then you need to talk to that person and either get them to agree to cease or just leave them behind. You are still a human and, especially if you've really changed, you shouldn't have to spend the rest of your life dealing with a guilt trip.
Forgive yourself. Rape and murder are the only two scenarios in which you shouldn't forgive yourself. If you haven't done either of these, then you need to realize that what happened is not fixable and that beating yourself up for it isn't going to make anything right. Find it in yourself to forgive yourself. Remember, you're the one who will be with you for the rest of your life. Learning to love and forgive yourself is the best thing you can do.
The past is gone. The present is now. Use the present. Enjoy life.
-Alaska
Today is about the past and regrets. Sometimes we do things that we aren't at all proud of. So what do you do in order to move past all the things that you've done?
Well, firstly, I want you to realize that, barring a sexy man in a bright blue box, you most likely don't have the option of time travel. You can't change past actions and words, you can just learn from your experiences and look towards a better future. The past is like concrete, you can bang your head against it, but it won't fix it's existence and it won't make you feel any better.
Apologize for the things that have happened. If it'll make you feel better, if it'll help you change, then apologize. However, there is only so long you can apologize for before it becomes moot and stagnant. If someone continuously makes you feel bad for it, then you need to talk to that person and either get them to agree to cease or just leave them behind. You are still a human and, especially if you've really changed, you shouldn't have to spend the rest of your life dealing with a guilt trip.
Forgive yourself. Rape and murder are the only two scenarios in which you shouldn't forgive yourself. If you haven't done either of these, then you need to realize that what happened is not fixable and that beating yourself up for it isn't going to make anything right. Find it in yourself to forgive yourself. Remember, you're the one who will be with you for the rest of your life. Learning to love and forgive yourself is the best thing you can do.
The past is gone. The present is now. Use the present. Enjoy life.
-Alaska
Monday, March 4, 2013
Under Pressure
Few times in life are you presented with an opportunity to shine or sink. I, currently, am going through several of them. Obviously, life doesn't give you one problem at a time: it gives you a whole shit pile to deal with at once. While this is a public post, this is mainly me itemizing what has to be done in order to shine.
1. Prioritize the things you have to deal with. Let's face it, only so many things can be accomplished at once. Sometimes, things that aren't as important or as pressing need to fall by the wayside. Chances are, the problem will still be there when you come back to it. Make sure that when you're writing out your list of priorities, you also write the less important and pressing matters so you can come back to them before they become the top on the chart.
2. Make a list of things you can do to fix these problems. Make sure that you only focus on your top 3-5. Make necessary appointments and tie all the loose ends. Taking the first steps in solving your issues always makes you motivated.
3. Keep motivated! If you're at a dead end with one issue (i.e. you have made an appointment for a couple weeks out), work on something else. If you're at a dead end with your top 10, utilize this time to work on hobbies or smaller projects. The most important part is to not stop focusing on fixing your issues.
4. Be patient. Rome wasn't built in a day and no one has a magical wand to speed up time and fix every problem. If you feel like something is taking too long, make some inquiries. Above all, don't use this downtime to blame yourself or stress out about the issue. When my friend has a panic attack, I always ask him if there is anything that he or I can do about the situation at the current moment. Most of the time, it's a big fat "no". So relax and realize that the world will most likely not come to an end while things are getting situated.
5. Don't procrastinate. Make sure that these problems do get solved, so you don't have bigger issues.
6. Enjoy the journey. This will teach you something.
As always, if you need help with prioritizing or even need someone to vent to, don't hesitate to email me. I'd be more than happy to help!
Alyeskanstars@gmail.com
Rock On, Guys! I know you can do this!
-Alaska
1. Prioritize the things you have to deal with. Let's face it, only so many things can be accomplished at once. Sometimes, things that aren't as important or as pressing need to fall by the wayside. Chances are, the problem will still be there when you come back to it. Make sure that when you're writing out your list of priorities, you also write the less important and pressing matters so you can come back to them before they become the top on the chart.
2. Make a list of things you can do to fix these problems. Make sure that you only focus on your top 3-5. Make necessary appointments and tie all the loose ends. Taking the first steps in solving your issues always makes you motivated.
3. Keep motivated! If you're at a dead end with one issue (i.e. you have made an appointment for a couple weeks out), work on something else. If you're at a dead end with your top 10, utilize this time to work on hobbies or smaller projects. The most important part is to not stop focusing on fixing your issues.
4. Be patient. Rome wasn't built in a day and no one has a magical wand to speed up time and fix every problem. If you feel like something is taking too long, make some inquiries. Above all, don't use this downtime to blame yourself or stress out about the issue. When my friend has a panic attack, I always ask him if there is anything that he or I can do about the situation at the current moment. Most of the time, it's a big fat "no". So relax and realize that the world will most likely not come to an end while things are getting situated.
5. Don't procrastinate. Make sure that these problems do get solved, so you don't have bigger issues.
6. Enjoy the journey. This will teach you something.
As always, if you need help with prioritizing or even need someone to vent to, don't hesitate to email me. I'd be more than happy to help!
Alyeskanstars@gmail.com
Rock On, Guys! I know you can do this!
-Alaska
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
My Lovely Astronaut and The Love You Deserve
To die by your side is such a heavenly way to die...
-There Is a Light...by the Smiths
I noticed (and by I, I mean my lovely boyfriend) that I have failed to mention the results of my first blog post ever. For those of you who haven't read it, it's The Love You Deserve. When I wrote this post, I never realized how this simple post would effect me. Though it has certainly not been easy, I have found the strength to stop "slutting it up" and hating myself.
Last Summer, I alienated people--even my closest friends--in a huge way. I thought that, in order to love myself, I had to be on my own and not accepting of help. As my model for self-love has matured, so has my life style.
It feels like it happened in a flash. He's one of those people who comes into your life and suddenly you can't remember what life was like before him. He's still convinced I was attracted to his friend first, but how could I with that incandescent smile and the way one of his eyes has the smallest bit of bronze?
I met him at orientation and though he says he remembers me, I know there is no way that he does. He was like me. He had just broken up with someone poisonous and had taken on the task of complete and total self destruction. Why this is important is because he was hungover the first time we met. I never could have guessed. He suggested radio and I was immediately hooked. Every opportunity I had to talk to him, I did so.
Ted forced me to go to the radio orientation and he was there, My (soon-to-be) Lovely Astronaut. My hair was in a bun, humidity clinging to every wave. I threw on a sundress I had bought for my aunt's wedding and some sandals. Needless to say, I had woken up and thrown on the first thing I saw. It didn't matter. He was impressed. In my very old-me style, I played the cat and mouse game using my eyes.
That weekend, his friend asked me to go to a comedy club with them. I accepted, but was slightly creeped out by his friend. They picked me up and off we went. The club was fantastic--just a fairly small room under the ground. Popcorn was placed on the tables and the low red lights hit everything just right. MLA (My Lovely Astronaut) complained he would be made fun of, so I switched spots with him. Needless to say, he was heckled the rest of the evening. I asked if anyone wanted to go out to smoke with me. He said yes.
From then on, we hung out nearly every day. His kindness and gentle nature made me terrified and my casual view of the world confused him. Finally, he texted me saying "I'm drunk. Ask me anything, I'm an open book." So I did it. I asked him what he thought of me. Obviously, he liked me. I liked him too, but I knew I wasn't good enough for him. This was the point of TLYD. You're only not good enough for someone if you think you aren't.
I am so glad I chose to believe I am good enough for him. Our romance has taken my breath away. Once, we walked back to my dorm room after he told me a huge secret and we sat listening to Samson by Regina Spektor, half lit by the soft glow of the stringed lights. Another time, we sat in my brother's car and listened to music, smoking a cigarette together and drinking a cup of coffee. I thought I had known romance before, but that was me trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. Real romance isn't forced, isn't hard to believe in. Real love is when you trust the other person to love you just as much as you love them.
Real love is The Love You Deserve. And for knowing that, I must say thank you to My Lovely Astronaut. Thank you, Zachary Virgil Gray. I love you.
-Alaska
-There Is a Light...by the Smiths
I noticed (and by I, I mean my lovely boyfriend) that I have failed to mention the results of my first blog post ever. For those of you who haven't read it, it's The Love You Deserve. When I wrote this post, I never realized how this simple post would effect me. Though it has certainly not been easy, I have found the strength to stop "slutting it up" and hating myself.
Last Summer, I alienated people--even my closest friends--in a huge way. I thought that, in order to love myself, I had to be on my own and not accepting of help. As my model for self-love has matured, so has my life style.
It feels like it happened in a flash. He's one of those people who comes into your life and suddenly you can't remember what life was like before him. He's still convinced I was attracted to his friend first, but how could I with that incandescent smile and the way one of his eyes has the smallest bit of bronze?
I met him at orientation and though he says he remembers me, I know there is no way that he does. He was like me. He had just broken up with someone poisonous and had taken on the task of complete and total self destruction. Why this is important is because he was hungover the first time we met. I never could have guessed. He suggested radio and I was immediately hooked. Every opportunity I had to talk to him, I did so.
Ted forced me to go to the radio orientation and he was there, My (soon-to-be) Lovely Astronaut. My hair was in a bun, humidity clinging to every wave. I threw on a sundress I had bought for my aunt's wedding and some sandals. Needless to say, I had woken up and thrown on the first thing I saw. It didn't matter. He was impressed. In my very old-me style, I played the cat and mouse game using my eyes.
That weekend, his friend asked me to go to a comedy club with them. I accepted, but was slightly creeped out by his friend. They picked me up and off we went. The club was fantastic--just a fairly small room under the ground. Popcorn was placed on the tables and the low red lights hit everything just right. MLA (My Lovely Astronaut) complained he would be made fun of, so I switched spots with him. Needless to say, he was heckled the rest of the evening. I asked if anyone wanted to go out to smoke with me. He said yes.
From then on, we hung out nearly every day. His kindness and gentle nature made me terrified and my casual view of the world confused him. Finally, he texted me saying "I'm drunk. Ask me anything, I'm an open book." So I did it. I asked him what he thought of me. Obviously, he liked me. I liked him too, but I knew I wasn't good enough for him. This was the point of TLYD. You're only not good enough for someone if you think you aren't.
I am so glad I chose to believe I am good enough for him. Our romance has taken my breath away. Once, we walked back to my dorm room after he told me a huge secret and we sat listening to Samson by Regina Spektor, half lit by the soft glow of the stringed lights. Another time, we sat in my brother's car and listened to music, smoking a cigarette together and drinking a cup of coffee. I thought I had known romance before, but that was me trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. Real romance isn't forced, isn't hard to believe in. Real love is when you trust the other person to love you just as much as you love them.
Real love is The Love You Deserve. And for knowing that, I must say thank you to My Lovely Astronaut. Thank you, Zachary Virgil Gray. I love you.
-Alaska
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Radio and Why I Am So Lazy!
I bet you guys have been missing me a lot. I'm very very sorry about not writing anything recently. We are currently in the process of a complete remodel of my blog. This will include reorganization and a new logo! Needless to say, I can't wait for these changes! In the mean time, I'll tell you guys a little bit about what is going on with me.
I have been struggling with some family issues lately and I found out some very exciting and life-changing news. I will let you all know about these things as soon as possible, but suffice it to say that, as of right now, I don't have the time I would like to write my blog.
If you are missing my wisdom and knowledge so much that you just can't stand it, I will let you guys in on a secret. Did you know that I am a DJ at my college's radio station? I have two shows: Alyeskan Stars (Thursday Nights 8-10 PM MST) and Bear Naked Comedy (Friday Nights 6-7 PM MST). While Alyeskan Stars is more music oriented (you all know how much I love my music), Bear Naked Comedy is cool because I get to interview comedians. Come listen on www.uncradio.com and "like" the Facebook pages: (AS) www.facebook.com/alyeskanstars and (BNC) www.facebook.com/uncrcomedy.
I really appreciate your support and can't wait for the relaunch and to get back into the groove!
I love you ALL!
-Alaska Miller
I have been struggling with some family issues lately and I found out some very exciting and life-changing news. I will let you all know about these things as soon as possible, but suffice it to say that, as of right now, I don't have the time I would like to write my blog.
If you are missing my wisdom and knowledge so much that you just can't stand it, I will let you guys in on a secret. Did you know that I am a DJ at my college's radio station? I have two shows: Alyeskan Stars (Thursday Nights 8-10 PM MST) and Bear Naked Comedy (Friday Nights 6-7 PM MST). While Alyeskan Stars is more music oriented (you all know how much I love my music), Bear Naked Comedy is cool because I get to interview comedians. Come listen on www.uncradio.com and "like" the Facebook pages: (AS) www.facebook.com/alyeskanstars and (BNC) www.facebook.com/uncrcomedy.
I really appreciate your support and can't wait for the relaunch and to get back into the groove!
I love you ALL!
-Alaska Miller
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Change Your Views or Die Trying
Hey guys!
Sometimes, you can't change the things going on in your life. All you can change is the way you choose to view these things (so cliche, I know).
For example, my best friend with the depression. Is there anything I can really do to change it (aside from being there for him and hoping for the best)? No, not really. This has weighed heavy on my heart for so damn long it feels that it feels like I have to bury my heart in the snow just to cool it off. What I have had to do is change my own life views to become a more positive influence. At least he's still here.
So, if you need to change your outlook on the situation, start inward. Remain calm and focus on the bright side. Everything has a bright side, regardless of whether or not you see it. Even if you are faced with a death, there are benefits to it. Maybe it was a grandmother who had been battling cancer. At least they're no longer in pain. If you ever need a bright side of a situation, please feel free to comment, message on Facebook, or send an email. I'm never too busy or "good" to have a good chat and try to help someone going through a hard time.
I love all of you and will write more tomorrow,
Alaska
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
So. Much. Stress.
Hey guys!
Sorry I didn't post this earlier today.
I want to talk about stress (well, not really, but who ever does?)! Guys, stress is a very natural part of life that we all experience as we get older. The unhealthy part of stress is how we choose to deal with it. Some people deal with it by drinking or having sex. Some of us (mainly me) smoke until our lungs resemble a chimney. While I am the poster child for stressing way too much, I have found some great ways to manage it.
Firstly, DON'T OVER THINK ANYTHING! As my gorgeous boyfriend states: "over thinking does nothing to get it done, does nothing to fix the issue. Once you are able to pull yourself out emotionally, you are able to think logically and find a solution." (If you want to read more of Zach's writing, click this link --->more amazing blogging)
Secondly, find something to help you assemble your thoughts. Start a blog, pick up crochet or the ukulele, start doing yoga. Find a happy place for just you that no one can take away. Let this be a little place where you can think logically and let the worries melt away.
Thirdly, find a solution. This ties into the previous blog posts. If something is stressing you out, it's time to make a change. Again, think about it logically. For example, yeah I would love to take Intro to Creative Writing this semester. I'd also like to get at least a little sleep (it's at 8 am). What did I do? I dropped the class. I can take it next semester.
Fourthly (and finally), believe in yourself. If you think you're going to fail, then guess what sunshine? You will fail. But if you believe in your ability to make it though whatever it is stressing you out, then you will absolutely succeed.
Again, sorry it took so long and sorry it was so short. Needless to say it was a busy, busy day and I don't foresee the busy to cease.
Still, I am unchanging and most fondly yours,
-Alaska
Sorry I didn't post this earlier today.
I want to talk about stress (well, not really, but who ever does?)! Guys, stress is a very natural part of life that we all experience as we get older. The unhealthy part of stress is how we choose to deal with it. Some people deal with it by drinking or having sex. Some of us (mainly me) smoke until our lungs resemble a chimney. While I am the poster child for stressing way too much, I have found some great ways to manage it.
Firstly, DON'T OVER THINK ANYTHING! As my gorgeous boyfriend states: "over thinking does nothing to get it done, does nothing to fix the issue. Once you are able to pull yourself out emotionally, you are able to think logically and find a solution." (If you want to read more of Zach's writing, click this link --->more amazing blogging)
Secondly, find something to help you assemble your thoughts. Start a blog, pick up crochet or the ukulele, start doing yoga. Find a happy place for just you that no one can take away. Let this be a little place where you can think logically and let the worries melt away.
Thirdly, find a solution. This ties into the previous blog posts. If something is stressing you out, it's time to make a change. Again, think about it logically. For example, yeah I would love to take Intro to Creative Writing this semester. I'd also like to get at least a little sleep (it's at 8 am). What did I do? I dropped the class. I can take it next semester.
Fourthly (and finally), believe in yourself. If you think you're going to fail, then guess what sunshine? You will fail. But if you believe in your ability to make it though whatever it is stressing you out, then you will absolutely succeed.
Again, sorry it took so long and sorry it was so short. Needless to say it was a busy, busy day and I don't foresee the busy to cease.
Still, I am unchanging and most fondly yours,
-Alaska
Monday, January 14, 2013
Talks of Suicide
Hello, Sweeties!
Today, I am going to share a problem that one of my best friends is facing. It seems to be a fairly significant problem in our world today, but no one seems to have a solution to it.
My best friend believes that, in this world of 6 billion people and a star for every grain of sand on a beach just in view, he is of no consequence. This thinking has led to nothing but anxiety, depression, and suicidal tendencies for him. He told me this after he had told me he finished his will and there was nothing left to do now but die. We all get like this sometimes, but when he told me all of this; my heart stopped, my breathing became rapid, and my eyes filled up with tears. How could someone so young, with so much at his feet, have such a grim outlook on his place in the world. What he doesn't realize? Though he may be one in six billion, he is my entire universe. I'm sure, especially with him, that he is others' universes as well.
Many of you have probably been on at least one side of this discussion: begging someone to live or wanting so much to die. You might feel insignificant at times (or maybe all of the time), but what you absolutely have to realize is there is not one worthless person on this planet. You, my dears, have everything to live for. There are thousands of reasons to smile.
Don't let one little thing (and, as my grandmothers both said while dying of cancer, "it's all little") tear you down.
If you're having real thoughts of suicide, please talk to someone. I know a lot of people who don't feel comfortable calling hotlines or talking to councilors, but--as someone who really cares about you--please talk to someone!
Sorry for all the sad talk, but it needed to be said and so does this:
You are beautiful. You are strong. You are amazing just the way you are. You are a warrior and you will make it through this. If you are reading this and think that I can't possibly know that about you, I do. We are all all of these things and more.
On a different note: the homework assignment I gave all of you yesterday is open until the end of the month. At that time, I will put the top 10 on this page and link them to your Facebook, Twitter, or just give you credit!
Have a fantastic Monday and always remember your reasons to smile!
-Alaska
Today, I am going to share a problem that one of my best friends is facing. It seems to be a fairly significant problem in our world today, but no one seems to have a solution to it.
My best friend believes that, in this world of 6 billion people and a star for every grain of sand on a beach just in view, he is of no consequence. This thinking has led to nothing but anxiety, depression, and suicidal tendencies for him. He told me this after he had told me he finished his will and there was nothing left to do now but die. We all get like this sometimes, but when he told me all of this; my heart stopped, my breathing became rapid, and my eyes filled up with tears. How could someone so young, with so much at his feet, have such a grim outlook on his place in the world. What he doesn't realize? Though he may be one in six billion, he is my entire universe. I'm sure, especially with him, that he is others' universes as well.
Many of you have probably been on at least one side of this discussion: begging someone to live or wanting so much to die. You might feel insignificant at times (or maybe all of the time), but what you absolutely have to realize is there is not one worthless person on this planet. You, my dears, have everything to live for. There are thousands of reasons to smile.
Don't let one little thing (and, as my grandmothers both said while dying of cancer, "it's all little") tear you down.
If you're having real thoughts of suicide, please talk to someone. I know a lot of people who don't feel comfortable calling hotlines or talking to councilors, but--as someone who really cares about you--please talk to someone!
Sorry for all the sad talk, but it needed to be said and so does this:
You are beautiful. You are strong. You are amazing just the way you are. You are a warrior and you will make it through this. If you are reading this and think that I can't possibly know that about you, I do. We are all all of these things and more.
On a different note: the homework assignment I gave all of you yesterday is open until the end of the month. At that time, I will put the top 10 on this page and link them to your Facebook, Twitter, or just give you credit!
Have a fantastic Monday and always remember your reasons to smile!
-Alaska
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Homework Assignment
Hey You!
So, like I said yesterday, I'm getting stuff ready for this next semester.
But I am giving you guys an assignment:
I want you all to take a picture of true beauty and send it to me on our new Facebook page.
Check the page out...Epic Facebook Page
Have a great Sunday!
-Alaska
So, like I said yesterday, I'm getting stuff ready for this next semester.
But I am giving you guys an assignment:
I want you all to take a picture of true beauty and send it to me on our new Facebook page.
Check the page out...Epic Facebook Page
Have a great Sunday!
-Alaska
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Change This Mess: A Playlist
Hello Darlings,
Today, I'm focusing on getting ready for school.
Here's a playlist for you all today:
1.) In the Mourning by Paramore
2.) All Over You by the Spill Canvas
3.) All At Once by Airborne Toxic Event
4.) Santeria by Sublime
5.) Break Free by Queen
6.) The Chain by Fleetwood Mac
7.) Breaking by Amberlin
8.) Coffee and Cigarettes by Jimmy Eat World
9.) Believe in Dreams by Flyleaf
10.) Ukulele Anthem by Amanda Palmer
11.) All Those Friendly People by Funeral Suits
12.) Shining On by Big D and the Kid's Table
13.) Revolution by Flogging Molly
14.) Youth by Daughter
15.) Better Days by Goo Goo Dolls
16.) For the First Time by the Script
17.) Defying Gravity from Wicked
18.) Hero by Regina Spektor
19.) Luck You Got by the High Strung
20.) Your Ex-Lover Is Dead by Stars
21.) Black Ink Revenge by Automatic Loveletter
22.) Metal Heart by Cat Power
Today, I'm focusing on getting ready for school.
Here's a playlist for you all today:
1.) In the Mourning by Paramore
2.) All Over You by the Spill Canvas
3.) All At Once by Airborne Toxic Event
4.) Santeria by Sublime
5.) Break Free by Queen
6.) The Chain by Fleetwood Mac
7.) Breaking by Amberlin
8.) Coffee and Cigarettes by Jimmy Eat World
9.) Believe in Dreams by Flyleaf
10.) Ukulele Anthem by Amanda Palmer
11.) All Those Friendly People by Funeral Suits
12.) Shining On by Big D and the Kid's Table
13.) Revolution by Flogging Molly
14.) Youth by Daughter
15.) Better Days by Goo Goo Dolls
16.) For the First Time by the Script
17.) Defying Gravity from Wicked
18.) Hero by Regina Spektor
19.) Luck You Got by the High Strung
20.) Your Ex-Lover Is Dead by Stars
21.) Black Ink Revenge by Automatic Loveletter
22.) Metal Heart by Cat Power
Friday, January 11, 2013
A Change of Heart
"i mean i'm always happy with life, but i just search for adventure or new experiences, or other ways to better myself"
-Trevor Teply
So, off of yesterday's topic, change needs to be made. But the real question is what change needs to be made? Better yet, what can you use to inspire these changes. Strap in, guys and gals, because I have some suggestions. Thank you to all of my friends who helped me with today's subject.
Here are some of the things that inspire change in my life:
1.) The movies Elizabethtown and Breakfast at Tiffany's.
2.) The perfect playlist.
3.) Fun experiences with good people. Maybe not always dear friends, but new friends.
4.) Sharing your money, time, or story with someone.
5.) Accepting someone who does the same.
6.) Photography is a huge one for me. It could be a sunset or some grungy-indie chick. Looking at other people and realizing what you covet is a huge process in change.
7.) Ok, this one is pretty obvious, but the website http://love.givesmehope.com/. I have seen grown men cry while reading these.
8.) Pain. Out of pain comes some of the most beautiful changes I have ever seen.
9.) ...not going to lie. I keep thinking of Doctor Who, Buffy, and shows like them. Don't diss. They all have fairly good messages about not giving up and making something beautiful out of the life you have.
10.) My past. Not wanting what I have had in my past (or wanting it, for that matter) is a huge driving force for myself in my life.
Other Suggestions:
1.) " hm...i think failure does the most to be honest" -Nathan Selinsky
2.) "It's based on what is making you unhappy... if I'm upset about work, I look
for other jobs. If I'm feeling like a fat piece of lard, I eat better and
try and make it to the gym... I usually like taking long walks or
having alone time to plot my next move or make life decisions though." -Chris Marez (@djsquirt)
3.) "a new goal. in my case, wanting something better for myself, like fighting, and being completely focused to attain that goal" -Alex "Brown Bear" Johnson
4.) "It's the drive. The drive comes from a "need". That need comes from the thought about "choices". If you really think about it, I left Colorado because my "need" was my boyfriend and my job and the fact that I've lived there for 20 years. I wrote down everything. For me, seeing it on paper hits me harder than my friends saying it, family telling me how things should be, and even myself saying it. When I wrote everything down, I wrote next to it what that change would effect and later look like.
So to grow and change, I work with the events that are presented to me rather than against them. Challenges and blessings are equally beneficial to a person's growth and development. And they are beneficial, no matter how happy-go-lucky out there or how dark they may be. As long as you move forward. Also, a series of positive events could be balanced by a series of negative events, there's no strict order. The balance is kept overall, if not always on a smaller scale. Dwelling in the past can upset the balance also."-Sarah Vogel
4.) "It's the drive. The drive comes from a "need". That need comes from the thought about "choices". If you really think about it, I left Colorado because my "need" was my boyfriend and my job and the fact that I've lived there for 20 years. I wrote down everything. For me, seeing it on paper hits me harder than my friends saying it, family telling me how things should be, and even myself saying it. When I wrote everything down, I wrote next to it what that change would effect and later look like.
So moving could end my
job, school and relationship with Adam. I talked with adam and he said
he wants to move here to be with me in 6 months. School is now all
online so I figured that out. Job, well.. without having to pay rent my
income didn't change.
Next.. my health. I have gained 40 pounds. It doesn't look like much to my family or friends but I feel horrible. I weigh as much as I did when I gave birth to my kids. Seriously!! I weigh 170. Soda is my addiction. My cousin noticed it after a few hours and each hour I had a bubbly drink in my hand. Adam hates that I drink so much soda. What's worse.. I started giving soda to my 2 year old son when he would want a drink and all I had left was my drink. It's not good to start him out that way.
So I wrote it down. "I weigh 170 pounds. this is what I weighed giving birth to a baby. This weight is controlling how I feel about myself. I will not drop any weight if I keep drinking soda and having ice cream every night".
Every morning.. I write it down somewhere. When I can't find a pen, I text it to myself. Every time I want a soda, I write down my weight and I write out why I weigh so much. Best time to make change is when the emotion is taken out of it.
I had to step back and ask myself if moving was an emotional move, or a logical one. I want my son to be surrounded around his family. I was completely taken away from everyone when I was little. All I had was my parents. I wasn't allowed to know these people.
When I was pregnant, the issue of abortion came up. That choice was exteremely hard for me. I kept telling myself that I couldn't do this. My parents already kidnapped one kid thinking I wasn't a fit mother. Next, I was without a job when I found out I was pregnant. That choice would change my life no matter what. If I had an abortion, every "due date" I had would haunt me.(I know myself) And if I didn't, I might need government assistance for the rest of my life. I'd rather make the choice I knew I could live with, so I named him Aiden.
Next, College. College was a huge step for me. I had parents who told me all the time I would fail and to just forget school since it wasn't that big of a deal. I met a woman who became my motherly figure in a time that I needed it most. She told me she would rent me a room and if I went to college, I'd only pay 200 a month. I was paying 900. This encouraged me like no other. Now, I'd never take it back.
There is so much that has driven me to make changes.. But in the end.. It's me. It's my life. And it's my choice. If I don't own my own life, how do I expect to get where I want to go?"-Amber Clark
5.) " 'The caterpillar cannot understand the butterfly'...The biggest thing that inspires me to change is to be unafraid of it, to welcome it, and to know that it's going to be good for me. I enjoy my mind evolving, I think a lot of people resist change because they're afraid of what they don't want happening, well you can't think about what you don't want. Staying positive through everything good or bad is the key to happiness." -Bri Rehberg
6.) "In my life I've realized challenges are there for me to grow as a person. It means nothing to fall down, but it matters how I get back up from a failed challenge. I feel it in my gut when I need to change something about myself and to me it's all about instinct and how I handle things in the moment.
Sunday night slam...Also having a cautiously positive mindset helps me get things done too " -Blake Scurto
Next.. my health. I have gained 40 pounds. It doesn't look like much to my family or friends but I feel horrible. I weigh as much as I did when I gave birth to my kids. Seriously!! I weigh 170. Soda is my addiction. My cousin noticed it after a few hours and each hour I had a bubbly drink in my hand. Adam hates that I drink so much soda. What's worse.. I started giving soda to my 2 year old son when he would want a drink and all I had left was my drink. It's not good to start him out that way.
So I wrote it down. "I weigh 170 pounds. this is what I weighed giving birth to a baby. This weight is controlling how I feel about myself. I will not drop any weight if I keep drinking soda and having ice cream every night".
Every morning.. I write it down somewhere. When I can't find a pen, I text it to myself. Every time I want a soda, I write down my weight and I write out why I weigh so much. Best time to make change is when the emotion is taken out of it.
I had to step back and ask myself if moving was an emotional move, or a logical one. I want my son to be surrounded around his family. I was completely taken away from everyone when I was little. All I had was my parents. I wasn't allowed to know these people.
When I was pregnant, the issue of abortion came up. That choice was exteremely hard for me. I kept telling myself that I couldn't do this. My parents already kidnapped one kid thinking I wasn't a fit mother. Next, I was without a job when I found out I was pregnant. That choice would change my life no matter what. If I had an abortion, every "due date" I had would haunt me.(I know myself) And if I didn't, I might need government assistance for the rest of my life. I'd rather make the choice I knew I could live with, so I named him Aiden.
Next, College. College was a huge step for me. I had parents who told me all the time I would fail and to just forget school since it wasn't that big of a deal. I met a woman who became my motherly figure in a time that I needed it most. She told me she would rent me a room and if I went to college, I'd only pay 200 a month. I was paying 900. This encouraged me like no other. Now, I'd never take it back.
There is so much that has driven me to make changes.. But in the end.. It's me. It's my life. And it's my choice. If I don't own my own life, how do I expect to get where I want to go?"-Amber Clark
5.) " 'The caterpillar cannot understand the butterfly'...The biggest thing that inspires me to change is to be unafraid of it, to welcome it, and to know that it's going to be good for me. I enjoy my mind evolving, I think a lot of people resist change because they're afraid of what they don't want happening, well you can't think about what you don't want. Staying positive through everything good or bad is the key to happiness." -Bri Rehberg
6.) "In my life I've realized challenges are there for me to grow as a person. It means nothing to fall down, but it matters how I get back up from a failed challenge. I feel it in my gut when I need to change something about myself and to me it's all about instinct and how I handle things in the moment.
Sunday night slam...Also having a cautiously positive mindset helps me get things done too " -Blake Scurto
7.) "Change! Haha. I just wanted to get this diagram up because I learned about this theory in English last year and I agree with it very much, I just added a bit to it. Anyway. So. Growth happens over time. Change and growth are connected, yes? Yes. In order to grow, a person must be separated from their normal life and brought out of their comfort zone, whether it's as simple as being forced to buy food by yourself for the first time or as drastic as a death in the family. Once separated by this event, the person then matures as they process what is happening and learn how to handle the situation. They then return to their normal life through the process of aggregation, integrating all that they have learned into the whole that is their person. My only change is that everything balances as well, and so for positive events there will also be negative events. This means you can learn a lot from good experiences, but you also learn a lot from negative experiences. The point is not to worry about which experience is currently happening, but rather to move forward. A person who does not continue through the series of growth spikes (the whole set is called a bildungsroman, a term used for a coming of age novel (Great Expectations!), and one spike is called a "slice of life," often the focus of short stories) will be stuck in a state of arrested development, which is why some adults act like twelve year-olds. It's also possible to go backwards, if the balance isn't kept. That's where you get nasty people and characters.
So to grow and change, I work with the events that are presented to me rather than against them. Challenges and blessings are equally beneficial to a person's growth and development. And they are beneficial, no matter how happy-go-lucky out there or how dark they may be. As long as you move forward. Also, a series of positive events could be balanced by a series of negative events, there's no strict order. The balance is kept overall, if not always on a smaller scale. Dwelling in the past can upset the balance also."-Sarah Vogel
Also See below (video provided by Casey Kline):
With Love,
Alaska
Thursday, January 10, 2013
On A Different Note: Happy 2013!
Hey Beautiful!
It's 2013 and it is one of my new years resolutions to kick ass with this blog. I'm in an angst ridden mood, but I think it's healthy enough to talk about on here.
I'm going to go against one of my rules for this blog and say something unusual, but here we go:
Fuck. Everyone. Else.
These three simple words seem to elude most people the majority of the time. Now, this may seem like an extremely misanthropic or even objectivist statement. Do not misunderstand me. I like most humans most of the time. However, there comes a place and a time in which the opinions of others need to mean nothing. Your life is purely your own. Subjecting yourself to the bullshitted views of those around you is your own choice and one that can seriously mess with your world.
Why? 1.) Because everyone on this earth is struggling for answers. 2.) Because what works for one person doesn't necessarily work for another. And 3.) Because miracles do exist. They can happen to anyone and they can happen to you.
Seriously, don't even listen to me if you don't like what I have to say. But if you feel like a visitor in your own life, like you are struggling for air and, just as you reach the top, the whole damn world flips over to keep you under water, keep reading.
Quit your job. Dye your hair. Fall in or out of love. Get a new hobby. Relocate. But, above all, if you can't stand your life, change. You can't expect to do the same thing a million times over and make different results, right? So, if life is so awful that you want to leave it, then make a fucking change. If you're in college, change which college. If your boss is making you want to play that wack-your-boss game (which, I'll put a link for, but it's really the best game ever if you're upset), then QUIT YOUR FUCKING JOB.
I'm sorry, guys. I know I don't normally swear so much on this blog. It's just something that I had to get out there.
Anyway. This was a short but pointed one.
Until tomorrow,
Alaska
http://www.silvergames.com/whack-your-boss
It's 2013 and it is one of my new years resolutions to kick ass with this blog. I'm in an angst ridden mood, but I think it's healthy enough to talk about on here.
I'm going to go against one of my rules for this blog and say something unusual, but here we go:
Fuck. Everyone. Else.
These three simple words seem to elude most people the majority of the time. Now, this may seem like an extremely misanthropic or even objectivist statement. Do not misunderstand me. I like most humans most of the time. However, there comes a place and a time in which the opinions of others need to mean nothing. Your life is purely your own. Subjecting yourself to the bullshitted views of those around you is your own choice and one that can seriously mess with your world.
Why? 1.) Because everyone on this earth is struggling for answers. 2.) Because what works for one person doesn't necessarily work for another. And 3.) Because miracles do exist. They can happen to anyone and they can happen to you.
Seriously, don't even listen to me if you don't like what I have to say. But if you feel like a visitor in your own life, like you are struggling for air and, just as you reach the top, the whole damn world flips over to keep you under water, keep reading.
Quit your job. Dye your hair. Fall in or out of love. Get a new hobby. Relocate. But, above all, if you can't stand your life, change. You can't expect to do the same thing a million times over and make different results, right? So, if life is so awful that you want to leave it, then make a fucking change. If you're in college, change which college. If your boss is making you want to play that wack-your-boss game (which, I'll put a link for, but it's really the best game ever if you're upset), then QUIT YOUR FUCKING JOB.
I'm sorry, guys. I know I don't normally swear so much on this blog. It's just something that I had to get out there.
Anyway. This was a short but pointed one.
Until tomorrow,
Alaska
http://www.silvergames.com/whack-your-boss
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