My Mother's Daughter

You, I've mistaken for destiny, but the truth is my legacy is not up to my genes.
True, though the imprint is deep in me, it will always be up to me
          -Repo! The Genetic Opera


It's times like these I wonder if I'm like my mother.  Now seems a good time to let everyone know this: you have a chance to change your stars. Just because your parents are a certain way doesn't mean you have to be.

I was with my family over Thanksgiving and let me tell you...it isn't easy. I almost felt like it was a mirror into my future.  But sitting here, I realize that I have the choice to decide who I am in 20 years. Just because my family is a certain way doesn't mean that is what I will turn into. If anything, it could be a warning sign.
I am happier now than I have ever been though. I am lucky to have been blessed with so many people who care about me. The most to be taken away from today's topic is that you can have the same attributes as your family without being exactly like them. For example, I am very charismatic (like my mother) but I am not a drunk just because I have some of the same attributes as her.

It's a fine line, to be a child coming into the understanding of your own being. As a young person, you not only have the expectations of your family and the world on your shoulders, but also the expectations you create for yourself. In this, it is really difficult to remember the last one. However, part of growing up is learning how to value your own expectations. In college, it seems like everyone has been telling me that, yes, my opinion is valued. Now, I have a blog that people read, so I feel like my opinion is at least slightly valued. Still, I see many of my 18 year old friends going to college and choosing a major that either society or their family wants for them. While it's great that these people care about the future, these freshman really have to figure out what they want for the rest of their lives.

Guys, let me tell you something. Every single one of you have the potential to change the world. None of us are more or less important. Past generations have been so focused on, well, the past that they raised themselves to only be so-so. They thought that was all they were capable of. But we are not our parents. We are not the past. We are the future. I see more compassion now than ever.

However, it is important to remember that our parents are just human. You know that feeling you get when you're really scared or really sad? They get that too. The great thing is that they are human, with so much love to give and so much to offer the world.

I guess the main point of my rambling blog post today is that (1) parents/family are human, (2) you don't have to be like them, and (3) you don't have to listen to everything they say. You're an adult (I hope most of you reading this are), use your own best judgement as your guide. Parents are sometimes wise, but not the end-all-be-all of sage advise. 

Enjoying Your Mistakes

“Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.” 
          -Albert Einstein

Hey Kiddos!
Two years ago today, I made a mistake. I ended up dating Joe Schmoe and, well, most of you should know the rest. I won't lie to my avid readers, it was really difficult. I watched lots of Buffy the Vampire Slayer to try and fill the emptiness in my life. For a while, this blog and good TV shows were just about all I had (aside from a surprisingly well-paying call center job). But, guys, I have something really cool to tell you about heartbreak. What I didn't realize at the beginning of the Summer was how beautiful my life would become. All of this started with a heartbreak.

People, in my own opinion, take for granted the fact that our mistakes set us on a path. For example, two years ago, I had no plans of going to college. I burned my name as Mrs. Potts (or, as some people called me, a door mat). I was incomplete and wanted to fulfill that by dating...let's face it...the biggest douche bag in Colorado. It was a temporary fix to combat loneliness. Something that my readers don't know is that, before Joe, I had a "one that got away". He couldn't decide if he wanted to be with me or not, so I set the past on fire and decided to be with someone new. Why I tell this to you is because it's very important to remember that everything, even heartbreak, has an expiration date.

So, yes, I made a mistake. I dated the wrong guy. I'm so glad I did. Had it not been for Joe, I would have never applied for college. My application to college was a spur-of-the-moment decision brought on by Joe moving out. I decided that I needed a bigger change than my hair color. And, as I'm sure I have stated a few times before, I got accepted the day after I found out that he was cheating on me. This is the most obvious way that my mistake changed my life for the better, but there are more. Because of that relationship, I learned the value of loyalty and arguing in a way that is still loving.

Right now, in this moment, life is beautiful. I just had lunch with my boyfriend, who adores me more than anything. I'm sitting on my college campus, typing this post and listening to Laura Marling (one of my idols). I am surrounded by people who think I'm just great. Getting to this point was not at all easy. I've been through so much and I've had people tell me that I have the sadness of a thousand years on my shoulders, but every mistake and misfortune are fantastic because it got me to this very moment of clarity and bliss.

Sometimes, I am so terrified that I will make the same mistakes in my current relationship as in my past. But today, I see that I am learning from my mistakes and know not to make those again.The mistakes I have yet to make are mistakes I have never made before. And I cannot wait to make those mistakes to learn more and see who I will become.

Until Next Time,

Alaska

The Pleasing Game

"All compromise is based on give and take, but there can be no give and take on fundamentals. Any compromise on mere fundamentals is a surrender. For it is all give and no take."
-Mahatma Gandhi

Compromise is a really good thing. It's how we explore, it's how we grow. However, sometimes compromising too much of yourself can be extreamly detrimental to your self-worth.
For example, I have a friend who loves her boyfriend so much. Her boyfriend loves her, but she consistantly feels like she has to be perfect for him. As a result, she has been entertaining the idea of anorexia and her perspective of self is way off. She wakes up every morning feeling a little bit worse about herself than the day before. It isn't her boyfriend's fault. If anything, he spends most of his time trying to convince her she is fantastic. Still, she fears his family and friends don't like her.

So, how do we fix this situation? First, she needs to get over the idea that she has to please everybody. It is impossible to please everyone. What is imperative about this situation is that she remembers who she is and stays true to that. Not everyone will like her for being who she is, but at least she knows that the people who do like her really do like her. Secondly, she has to be outgoing. She doesn't have to please everyone, but she has to be cordial at least. I have advised her to not get too deep into anyone else's business. Still, being a good person and lending an ear doesn't normally lead to bad things. The more people she has on her side in her boyfriend's life, the more people who are likely to vouch for her.

Willingness to compromise, in itself, is a good skill to have. This is not a win/lose situation. It's more so a way to work it out so that everyone wins. If you don't want to watch a movie, but your friend does, agree to a movie but ask if you can pick which movie to watch. Or you could also just agree that next time, you get to choose what to do.

On a side note, I am so very sorry that I have not been posting as often as I was durring summer. I have had to contend with some very stressful issues. I shall be writing more from now on.

Love Always,

Alaska

A Story of a December Day

A snowy evening.

I knew it was wrong. I’d stopped it before. But with a tear soaked face and a friend on the line, I was bound and determined to fuck up everything. Over one little text:

So how are you, my angel?

So I get in the back seat of a car. Immediatly, he tells me to start drinking. Vodka out of a XXX Vitamin Water Bottle. We crack jokes, I light up a cig. The car is fast and the liquor isn’t getting much easier to drink. Still, they tell me to drink up. So I do.

And we get in the house. We go directly to the basement. Which was suspect. Never did we have to do that in the years I had known him. In any event, I go downstairs. And sit on his leather couch, like the millions of times I had before, predating my blue hair.

I sit with his friend, someone who I had dated. We shoot the breeze, talking smack to talk smack. He encourages more drinking. We put in a movie. A comedy. One with Adam Sandler. The world starts spinning. I start feeling like Mother. I call one of my dear friends, who is many states away. I say hi and the battery dies. He takes my phone from me. So what does a smart girl do? Leave.

But I drink more. I eat a taco. Then, his friend leaves. And I am left with only him.

His baby doll lips.

His long curly hair.

His merciless blue eyes.

The rest of the story is in glimpses, little lightning bugs of moments: I am on the ground, my clothes off. Hands—hands that are not my own, with long nails—brush around me. A smart girl can move. I am paralyzed. But he is not. His hands do not cease. Then, hands aren’t the only things touching me and still I cannot move.

I am naked, hunched over a toilet. I look in the mirror. And there he is, naked as me, behind me. Merciless blue eyes.

I am once again clothed, stumbling up the stairs of my house. I get in bed.

The next day starts at noon, much later than I usually awake. I wake up to nausea, that promptly turns to sickness on my bedroom floor. I call my friend. I tell him what happened—what I remember. And he hangs up. I get sick again. I call my other friend. He is mad at me too. But he calms and tells me to go shower—I’ll feel better.

So I manage to get there. How? I will never know. I strip off clothes that aren’t mine. Underwear that isn’t mine.  I lay in the shower, sobbing. What happened?

I once again get sick.

By 4, I manage to make it downstairs, claiming a severe stomach bug. Through texts, I get more confused.

Me:what happened last night?

Him: you drank.

Me: Well, I’m sick. So what all did I drink?

Him: A Lot.

And then his friend texts me.

Him: Happy alcohol poisoning, bitch.

Me: What happened?

Him: You got played so bad. And you don’t even know it.

Me: How?

Him: You’ll get mad at me.

I tell another one of my friends, who decides I should go get checked out, at least to make sure there was nothing caught or growing.

So, for the second night in a row, I sneak out. Terrified.

The hospital seemed cold, very unfriendly. I try to get through it with jokes. I cannot cry.

The hospital calls the police. They separate me from my friend. They take my clothes as evidence. I stand on a mat, naked. In front of a nurse with sharp features and a disapproving look. It’s all a fucking show.

They do tests. Tests that hurt. Tests that made me shiver and freeze up. The police call my father.

At 3 in the morning, I am alone in a hospital room, shaking and unsure.

At 5 in the morning, I’m escorted home by an officer. She takes the clothes I was wearing in the morning. I take pill after pill and fall asleep.

I didn’t sleep in my room for months. I couldn’t close the door to the garage for 6.

The clock keeps ticking.

They say I’m fine. They say he can’t hurt me.

But didn’t he already?

Do I deserve to be his little fucking blow up doll?

And the last text I received from him:

I am truly and deeply sorry for raping you.

Inspired by Me

It All Works Out

Sunshine on my face, I still look back on this past year. While I do believe that it was a terrific learning process, it was the most difficult time in my life thus far. Some things I am never going to fully let go of. Still, I am a far better person than at the beginning of this beautiful disaster. I am finally through the bad, but the experiences will stay with me, making me stronger.

I moved out with my boyfriend and mother a week before I graduated high school. I then became a stripper. In that time, I got engaged, got into fight after fight about my mother’s habits and how they had begun to reflect my own. My mother and I spent weeks fighting about her habitual drinking, then ignoring each other. My fiancé always remained on my side, unwavering in his willingness to protect me.

Eventually, my fiancé and I moved in with a fellow stripper. The summer became soaked in rum and cokes, an endless parade of one dollar bills and clothes strewn about the floor. Music shook the walls nearly every night and every morning I woke up with a headache. I made good friends with bad intentions who tried to do nothing but make me smile. Sometimes, in the dark, one of my friends would whisper, “Alaska? Do you really love him?” My reply was always the same. I always said yes.

            In this time, I had gotten pregnant. With limited funding and quarrelling between myself and said stripper, I ended up living with my father and step mother. In those days, I worked at a call center as technical support for Re/Max agents. About 8 weeks and 6 days into my pregnancy, the baby’s heart had ceased beating. It had died and with it, a great deal of me had died as well. I attempted to put on a brave face for my fiancé, but on the inside, I was falling apart. It sincerely felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest.  They said a surgery would be easier. I went into the hospital in the early hours of the morning and they put me under. When I woke up, I began sobbing before my eyes even opened. I knew that it was over. In the days that followed, my world fell apart. My mind was in a dizzy, foggy state. It certainly would not be the last time I felt this way.

The summer slowly melted into winter, with my broken heart healing very slowly. My fiancé and I had begun to fight. He hadn’t held a job for more than a month in the duration of our relationship and it began to weigh on everyone in the house. The more pressure my family put on me to make him find work, the more we began to argue. We argued about everything from the baby to the fact that my best friend wanted to spend time with me without him. One day, I drove over to his mother’s house after work to pick him up and was met with an extremely unpleasant surprise. His friend and mother locked me in the house and berated me with insults that began with his mother offering to assist me with suicide. That night, he moved out of my family’s house, but made it clear that we were still together. This last part became an arguable fact later.

Without him by my side, I began to see no color in my world. My room was always cold and the only time I felt like I was alright was when he called. We still saw each other as much as possible and spent many nights at a hotel. A couple of my friends told me they didn’t think he was good for me. They said he was a loser and that, in all likelihood, he was cheating on me. I ignored them, of course. For all of the things we had gone through, I really believed that he didn’t have the capacity to hurt me. He made me swear to him over and over again that I would not betray him, would not cheat on him, would not leave him.

The more time we spent apart, the more extreme his behavior became. He would spend nights screaming at me, only to apologize the next day. He would get drunk and say such horrible things to me that I really began to doubt myself and the faith I had placed in him. He explained that this was because he believed I didn’t love him. To prove him wrong, I walked 14 miles with a guitar strapped to my back to his house, where I serenated him. I believed that this was a romantic gesture (I didn’t even like walking from my car to the door), but he didn’t believe it to be romantic at all. He said I was foolish for trying. All the same, I took him to dinner and to a movie. When the lights came back on in the theatre, he seemed to be in a much better mood. “Love” seemed to be the only word on his lips.

One fateful morning, he called me. “Aly, I stayed up all night. I couldn’t sleep. I think I’m going to kill myself.” I know what I should have done. I should have called the cops or just told him to leave me alone. I guess hindsight is 20/20, though. I decided to call into work and picked him up. We ate breakfast and went to see yet another movie. We sat in the theatre and he promised me for the millionth time that he was being faithful to me.  

Later on, “how could you do this?” seemed to be the only words escaping my lips. However, I couldn’t scream them loud enough for my mind to function again. In stop and go traffic, the last person you want to be next to is the person who just broke your heart. Trembling, my foot shook every time I moved from accelerator to brake. My stomach churning and my mind racing, I recalled all the lies he told me. Finally, I stopped screaming, knowing it was useless. We went to a park, where he told me he just wanted to be friends. I knew that letting go was the only way to salvage the ruins, so I agreed and took him home.

The next day was the third time that year my mind entered such a terrible haze. My stomach sick, I asked to go home from work. My friend picked me up and we drove to her work, where she said, “Screw the…” and we devised a plan to take back the day, complete with manicures, hookah smoking, and hair-dyeing. Oddly enough, right then I received an email. This email told me I was accepted into University of Northern Colorado.

That’s when I had the most beautiful epiphany: everything works out. Seldom do things work out the way they are intended to, but they always work out. All of these experiences--the engagement, my mother’s drinking, the miscarriage, the breakup—led me right to where I needed to be, learning, living, loving the life that I have made for myself.

In the darkest of nights, the stars light up the sky. So why doesn’t anyone see it? Everyone is always looking around at each other, in envy or sorrow or anger. All anyone has to do is look up. People have told me many times that I am so very strong. I always ignored them. Now, I’m taking a look and realizing that I am. There were times where I felt like I couldn’t breathe and I never thought I could ever feel whole again. Still, I survived. How did I survive?

I looked up.

Inspired by A Little Bit of Everything

I have compiled a list of 10 ways to be inspired:

1. Watch movies. Watch movies about people and learning and experiences. The most euphoric feeling I get is always from watching movies with messages of enjoying the life you live. (I highly suggest Doctor Who)
2. Take a walk. Go explore somewhere you haven't gone before. If you're in the Denver Area, go to Paris on the Platte or Gypsy House Cafe. But get out of your comfort zone and do something new.
3. Observe the people around you and notice at least one thing that you could compliment them on. Making someone else smile is one of the most inspiring things you can do. It doesn't take too much effort to go out of your way to help someone else.
4. Make your own "Inspire Me" Playlist. www.grooveshark.com is something I swear by. I am always making playlists through there. Find songs that send chills up your spine, songs that make you happy, songs that make you want to do something. Send the link to me, though, because I'd really love to hear other people's INW playlists.
5. Do something crazy! Experiment with your hair colour, sing badly in a tunnel, graffiti a sidewalk with chalk. Whatever you do, make it something you'll never forget (send me pictures and I'll put them up here).
6. Make Art. Whenever I need inspiration, I draw silly things. Put your pencil to some paper and draw something. It could be squiggles or a cathedral, but fill every bit of the paper with colour and art. Also, write poetry, make music, sculpt.
7. Ask someone about their life. Everyone always has something interesting to say. Many times, people just want someone to listen to them. Learning about others can also inspire beauty and excellence in yourself.
8. ...And Tell people about you. The good, the bad, the everything. Talking about yourself, you can begin to realize how absolutely amazing you are.
9. Meditate. Regardless of your belief system, meditation draws you closer to yourself and roots you to the world. The closer you are to the world, the more you want to be a part of it and create in it.
10. Love. Ok, so you all probably know by now how against relationships I am, but I must admit that a huge drive to be excellent is love. It's not always love between a man and a woman. Sometimes, it's a mother's love for her child, a man's love of nature, a grandfather's adoration for his grandchildren. Either way, love drives you to excellence. Don't be afraid to love or of it leaving.

As always, I want desperately to know about my readers. What inspires you? What books/movies/music do you listen to? What crazy things do you do/have you done for inspiration? Send me pictures, send me playlists, tell me about movies. Send me your stories!

Ok, off of my soap box.

Stay Excellent,

Alaska

Inspired by A Group of Amazing Women

Amazing doesn't even begin to describe how the world can be. With open eyes, you'll begin to notice how inspiring the world can be.

Each life is full of unique and beautiful experiences, all with their own trials. I had the privilege this weekend to spend time with some very wonderful girls, each one brilliant and inspiring. My best friend's mother had taken us to go get pedicures. I, personally, feel like I was the least inspiring out of the five of us there.

My best friend's mother sits, her eyes full of joy, saying she is so proud to have so many strong, beautiful women in her life. She is a veteran, divorced twice, with four kids and plenty of room in her heart for more (she calls me her adopted daughter). Her mother, much like mine, had made it difficult for her at times to grow as an individual. Through some unspeakable things she has been through, this amazing woman has stood strong next to me in a way that few have ever been. Regardless of the situation, she remains positive and her willingness to assist others is beyond imagination.

My best friend's sister is a soldier. With a smile in her eyes, she explains one of her greatest difficulties: "people don't get it. It is so difficult to be a soldier because, if you haven't been there, you don't understand what it's like. Sometimes, you ask 'why me?' If you stand next to someone and a bullet comes and kills that person next to you, you don't understand why it wasn't you. No one knows what it's like to not have a friend come back or to hear that someone has been killed nearby. We  operate as a tight knit family. If you're not a part of it, you really can't understand what it's like. You tell people you're in the military and they say 'Oh cool!" but they don't really understand. It can make you really lonely."

The young woman next to me chimes in, "it's the same way for single mothers. I can talk to people around me and they think they understand, but they don't know how it feels to be solely responsible for another individual." She plans to make a daycare that also operates as counselling for young mothers.

The woman sitting next to my best friend's sister agrees. She had been through abusive relationships and was endowed with an infinite amount of wisdom. "The worst part about it [looking for a man] is that no one can compare to your son."

Not every conversation we have is heavy, however. We talked about the worst dates we've had (the winner was a mooch who had been to jail--and never explained why he had been there) and who the weirdest crush is (mine is, of course, Anthony Stewart Head). Though their burdens are heavy, they are the sweetest, happiest women I have ever met.

It makes me think, though, if these astonishingly strong women can go through such obstacles and still keep a smile on their face, how can anyone feel hopeless?

Food for thought,

Alaska

Inspired by Ten Voices

Inspiration comes in different forms. Sometimes, it comes from movies or a really good song. Sometimes, it comes from a person. Maybe it's someone you just met, maybe it's someone you've known for a long time. Sometimes, it comes as an epiphany, a complete and total shock to your system.

In any way, inspiration comes to help you grow as an individual. It cannot be simply described. 

So, I will begin the week with some thoughts that inspire excellence.

“Pain is temporary. Quitting lasts forever.” 

― Lance Armstrong, Every Second Counts

“If you're reading this...

Congratulations, you're alive.

If that's not something to smile about,

then I don't know what is.” 

― Chad Sugg, Monsters Under Your Head

“Courage: the most important of all the virtues because without courage, you can't practice any other virtue consistently.” 

― Maya Angelou

“The flower that blooms in adversity is the rarest and most beautiful of all.” 

― Walt Disney Company, Mulan

“The unexamined life is not worth living.” 

― Socrates

"I do not regret the things I've done, but those I did not do."

― Empire Records

“Do one thing every day that scares you.” 

― Eleanor Roosevelt

“When adults say, "Teenagers think they are invincible" with that sly, stupid smile on their faces, they don't know how right they are. We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken. We think that we are invincible because we are. We cannot be born, and we cannot die. Like all energy, we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations. They forget that when they get old. They get scared of losing and failing. But that part of us greater than the sum of our parts cannot begin and cannot end, and so it cannot fail.” 

― John Green, Looking for Alaska

“It is good to love many things, for therein lies the true strength, and whosoever loves much performs much, and can accomplish much, and what is done in love is well done.” 

― Vincent van Gogh

"Be the change you want to see in the world"

― Gahndi

With that, I leave you until tomorrow.

Stay Inspired,

Alaska

My Tiny Tin Heart

And I may be romantic
And I may risk my life for it
But I ain't gonna die for you
You know I ain't no Juliet
And I'm not gonna watch you wanna burn yourself out baby
No I'm not gonna stop you
Cause I'm not the one that's crazy
-Ampersand by Amanda Palmer

Sometimes, you have days where you just want to curl up and go to bed, leave the world to its own devices. Sometimes, love doesn't exist in your heart and you just hate everything. I've been having one of those weeks. Darling readers, I will never lie to you.

I think I need this "Inspire Me" week most of all. 

Here is what I will say, though. Even in these extremely dark moments, I know I need not be without hope. If you are a good person, then you should realize that you're not the only one. You're never the only one.

I will divulge a little bit of myself here. Sometimes, I really fucking miss my ex. Is it healthy? No. Is it helping? No.

So, I'm at a stalemate. I can't move on, but I can't go back. It's really tough. What's a girl to do? Well, I have musical therepy. I pick the songs that fit my mood and pick up the results. What did they do? Amanda sang, "I may be romantic and I may risk my life for it, but I ain't gonna die for you, you know I ain't no Juliet." Laura Marling sang, "I will never love a man 'cause love and pain go hand in hand..." 

I feel so much closer to feeling better by listening. I shall withdraw to my tiny tin heart for brandy and cigars. I don't advise this method. I really don't. Sometimes, however, you need to feel a little less. Please just don't live your life that way.

That's all for tonight, but please watch for Inspire Me Week. I promise to inspire excellence.

Love Always,

Alaska

Out With the Old...

"And I am done with my graceless heart,
so tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart..."
-Florence and the Machine

Sorry, guys! I am so so sorry that it has taken me so long to write another post. First couple weeks of college are killer.

There comes a time in our lives where we have to embrace the phrase "out with the old, in with the new." We sometimes must push past the old memories of broken hearts and stolen kisses in order to collect, well, new broken hearts and memories (perhaps some stolen kisses as well).

Recently, I have had to learn to let go of things: my inhibitions, my judgments, my ideals. Only some of them, but enough to make me re-evaluate myself as an individual. What do I want to get out of life?

I had to let go of the idea that everyone here at UNC is going to like me. For starters, I recently found out some people go here who I am not overly fond of. But also: there is someone for everyone. Every stoner, every geek, every athlete and actor has someone who thinks like them. We are, of course, all unique, but I find myself noticing that every person here belongs here.

I have also had to let go of some judgments I had made before coming here. The classes are not as big as I had expected, the food is way better, and college (as far as I have seen) is not just one big party. But there is a certain amount of beauty in that. I was pleasantly surprised once I dropped my judgments and preconceived notions about the college experience.

So here is my thought for the day: get rid of the ideas that hinder you, the memories that have become a stigma. Enjoy the moment you are in with whomever might be sitting next to you. You never know what you will have in common with them. They may end up being your next true love, your next best friend, or maybe it is just someone you will have a great conversation with and never end up talking to again.

Carpe Diem, my loves.

"Inspire Me" Week begins Monday.

Have a great day and don't forget to smile.

-Alaska

A Very Special Book Analysis Written By Sarah

Alaska, darling, I have just finished Looking for Alaska by John Green. I know that it carries some meaning for you, and I must say that you are not alone. It carries meaning for me, too.

There are some stories that are intensely personal. John Green said it himself in The Fault in Our Stars -- "Sometimes, you read a book and it fills you with this weird evangelical zeal, and you become convinced that the shattered world will never be put back together unless and until all living humans read the book. And then there are books which you can't tell people about, books so special and rare and yours that advertising your affection feels like a betrayal."

While Looking for Alaska is not that book, because that position has already been filled, it still strikes that chord. I love it, and I think it would be personal for the majority of readers. I know it is certainly that book for a few readers, simply because of its message.

The labyrinth of suffering. One of the greatest things about this book, I think, is that it never once diagnosed Alaska with depression. It never gave the reader a straight answer. It explained Buddhism, Christianity, and Islam, but never said that they knew the answers. Never. People like to categorize things -- she has depression, life has suffering and so [insert religion here], that death was complicated but no so complicated that we couldn't find a label and the label is suicide, etc. They try, they try, they try. They fail. The labyrinth, it turns out, is bigger than any answer.

"Answers are for squares," says the labyrinth, "and I am an undefined shape."

(By the way, I just ordered The General in His Labyrinth by Gabriel Garcia Marquez and I plan on reading it ASAP).

Have you guessed yet? The labyrinth is different for each and every person, so how could there be a perfect way out? The labyrinth laughs at answers, too, so how could there be a solution? Reality can be poison. We can become so caught up in labeling everything that we forget the world runs on nonsense. On Alice's Wonderland. Ask the labyrinth again.

"How will I ever get out of this labyrinth?"

What if the labyrinth responds with another question? "How do you see me?"

How do you see the labyrinth? How do you see anything? Life? Death? Babies, even? How do you see at all? I do not think we are blind. If we were blind, we would not see the labyrinth. The fact is, we can see it, and that is all. We can see its pain, its suffering, but we can also see its beauty. A reader would not mourn Alaska if she was not a beautiful person. Alaska left a scar because she was worth remembering. Because she was beautiful.

I suppose that is why I walk the labyrinth. I could go on about imagined realities created as coping mechanisms (American McGee's Alice, anyone?), but I don't want to, because that is it. The labyrinth is laced with beauty, and so I walk along its winding pathway. Sometimes the beauty outdoes the pain. Sometimes I feel that there is neither beauty nor pain outside of the labyrinth, and while that allows death to be a comfort, it also makes the labyrinth a valuable place.

Is that the question?

Why do you walk the labyrinth?

How do you walk the labyrinth?

Why is this goddamned labyrinth so important, anyway?

Fucking labyrinth.

As One Door Closes...

"Every new beginning
comes from some other beginning's end..."
-Semisonic

Change is beautiful if you embrace it. Sometimes all you need is one small epiphany to change your entire world, but sometimes change comes in the form of a giant wooden door, carved with good intentions and endless memories.

My favourite thing about endings are the beginnings that come out of them. This is my last day as an employee with the company I work for. Goodbyes are sad, but the older I get it seems the more necessary they become.

Why, you as the reader might ask, are goodbyes necessary? It's because you need to cut the old to grow. Think about it (in bad analogies): hair has to be trimmed occasionally in order for it to grow. Otherwise, all you're left with are split ends and dullness. Sometimes the most poisonous thing to someone who wants to improve their "youness" is being in the same situation, never growing. It has nothing to do with the people you're surrounded by or the situations you go through. It's simply that past perceptions or even current perceptions of yourself can strangle your ability to change and improve.

When I was in that relationship before summer, I felt that I was stuck to be the same person always. I would always be the no-nonsense Mother Goose. Every time I tried to branch out, to change, Joe would call me fake. In truth, I was changing right under his nose. I was becoming who I wanted to be. I think maybe that terrified him. He didn't understand that experimenting is a part of life, as is making mistakes. I've made some incredible mistakes, but I'm glad I did. I would have missed so much if I hadn't.

Evolution happens so slowly in broad world terms. But in personal terms, it can happen in the blink of an eye. When the "Joe Door" closed, I thought it would be the end of me. I loved him more than I ever thought I could. Yet, here I sit, still breathing (most likely better off them him right now). As that door closed, this beautiful opportunity to go to my absolute dream school was dropped in my lap--another door opens.

Now, as the door closes on the year I've worked at this company, where I will miss my friends' laughter and "blue shirt", I know that this is really just the beginning of a much larger and much more complicated tale of Alaska the College Girl. I won't be restricted to a desk or to my co-workers' opinions of their little 19 year-old comrade or even my own immature platonic conception of myself. I will be in a place with not many people who know who I am or where I've been.

So when I walk out the door today and let it close behind me, I will walk a little slower and linger with my foot on the clutch, waving goodbye to a wonderful year with fantastic friends and letting the Great Perhaps embrace me.

But don't worry, where ever I may go, I'll take you all along for the ride.

Until Next Time,

Alaska




I completely adore this song, by the way. ^.^

Alaska's Adventures As A Single Lady Part Three

Good morning and good day!

I've maybe made some mistakes, but this summer is one of no regrets, a clean conscience and a clean slate.

Two days after the end, the bitter bite that heartbreak can bring began in the pit of my stomach. How do I combat that? Hair dye. The plan was to dye it blond. I was at my mum's house and I receive a text from my Little Bird. He asked me how I was doing. Now, I am a pretty honest person. As a result, I told him about my love gone south. He came over and helped me dye my hair (it still ended up looking terrible, but he did an amazing job). He was a total angel, listening the way he did. He's a dear friend of mine. He gave me courage when I thought I had none. He inspired me.

Then, at Tequila Guy's work, I saw Bella's little sister. She was upset, no doubt. I ended up giving her some cigarettes and hearing about it in my car. I made many trips for her this summer. Sometimes at three in the morning when greedy eyes just wont let her sleep. Beautiful and scared, this little girl became like a little sister to me.

Once in a great while, you come across an old friend. I came across several. Due to a friend of a friend, I ended up seeing my childhood friend Sin again. Rather, my friend is her friend's boyfriend. We were so alike I couldn't believe we'd ever been apart. Then, I remembered a friend's birthday. We ended up hanging out in a Walmart parking lot, him explaining his own sordid and unfinished love affair that matched the one I just ended. He has a gorgeous smile, but his scream is deadly.

The fighter was a flirt. We'd been flirting for years, friends for years. We'd gone out on a date (with the most awkward hand-holding experience ever) but hadn't done too much before or after that. This summer changed that. We kissed in the rain (at my instruction) and smoked cigarettes on a patio bigger than my living room. We danced in the darkness and watched bad TV. He bought me soup.

Then there was my cute little Asian friend, who never ceases to be hysterical. He was there for me through times of good and bad. Together, we took on karaoke, annoying voiced chicks, hookah, and assisted me with kissing 4 people in a row. IN A ROW. Imagine how pimp I felt!

Then there is my lovely actor. He is so talented, such a wonderful friend. On nights where I couldn't go on, he was there with hugs and the occasional alcoholic beverage. He filled some of my nights with Chai Tea and cats and beautiful music. He's my darling love and I'm so sorry to have to leave him in a few weeks.

I also met my room mate for college. She is beautiful. Completely kind hearted. She has a voice that makes hearts melt. She took me to a bonfire and listened to me rant and rave about loneliness. Her boyfriend is--you guessed it--the random guy I made out with the first night (no, they were not dating that night).

I guess time is funny that way. Everything happens and it's all the consequence of something else. It's why I believe in nothing as a coincidence. As this beautiful mess winds down and evolves, I've come to the end of a season with absolutely no regrets, but with gorgeous memories. The adventures are not over. They're just beginning.

Until Next Time,

Alaska

Alaska's Adventures As A Single Lady Part Two

"Maybe any love we have
is an angel in whatever form..."
-Franchesca Lia Blocke

So my Summer started out a little rough. I was feeling more alone than I ever had. Well, for about 15 minutes. As it turns out, in my drunken blunder of that night, I had called a few friends I had lost touch with due to Joe. As a result, I had many friends wanting to hang out with their newly single friend.

The first was an incredibly hansom man. He had bedded my old roommate last summer. This summer, his hair was cut short and he was now in the Navy. He took me out to dinner and we then drove over to my mother's house. We began to kiss, his lips tasted like peppermints. As they say, one thing led to another...

Over the next several days, I began to fill the giant hole in my tiny tin heart with love for my friends and new experiences. I began my month and a half obsession with Buffy the Vampire Slayer (in which I watched every single episode of a 7 season series). I discovered hidden gems of music, falling completely in a deep and undying love with every fantastic song I heard. I found the courage to start singing again, start laughing again.

I spent time with Navy Boy and his friends. We drank and smoked and spent too much time up past when we should be. I fought a brick wall (seriously, the chick was huge compared to me and knew martial arts), went to a church called Scum of the Earth, went to an English Pub in Denver and ate Bangers and Mash.

I took my buddy (the Tequila Guy) home from work every single night. He made me these fantastic drinks with 3 shots of espresso and chocolate. We drank and kissed. Some nights, his adorable little son would fall asleep in the back of my car as Kimya Dawson's voice came through the speakers. Sometimes, he would vent to me. He would tell me about his son's mother or his work. My world was painted with the beautiful mysteries that was my dear Tequila Guy. Occasionally, I would vent to him about how I was tired or how I had no food in my system. He would listen, give me food, took care of me.

I became reacquainted with the enigma of the Brothers. Twin, who was born the exact date and time as me, took me to Loveland after I had an incredible urge to get out of town. We met some of his friends, watched burnout races, went to Lookout Mountain, and he kissed my drunken eyes to sleep. Biggest and Gentlest of the Brothers taught me about Green Magics, gave me tea, held me when I was too tired to walk. Best Friend held me some nights when I couldn't bear to be alone after he had a terrible breakup. We danced in smoke filled rooms and drank vanilla flavoured pop. In a little way, each of them was my perfect man, but mainly my perfect friends. They kidnapped me and took me to Colorado Springs, hanging on to me as I cried or nightmares infiltrated my imagination.

To be continued...

Much Love from the Lady With the Tiny Tin Heart,

Alaska

The Best Damn Single Playlist...

One of the reasons it's so easy to celebrate being single? The music. This is my awesome (yes, I'm a total music snob) playlist for being single. Warning: I have an ecliptic taste in music. Listen at your own risk.

(1) Ridin Solo by Jason Derulo-This song is the epitome of being single. Coincidentally, this is how I fell in love with Joe. He sang this song at karaoke and it inspired this courage in me. When we broke up, I stopped fearing this song and instead made it my own. Now, instead of getting that ugly pit of fear in my stomach, I feel fearless and bad ass.

(2) Single by Natasha Bedingfield-I love the awesomeness that ensues in this song. The lyrics perfectly describe my definition of single. She makes me think of pure and ultimate fearlessness. Is it a little retro? Yes! Does it make it any less of a kick ass song? Hell no.

(3) Winter Killing by Stina Nordenstam-I am totally in love with this song. It has everything I love in a song. It's beautiful melody, epic rhythm, gorgeous lyrics, and it's fucking STINA. Best line? "I'm safer with me here, and you there."

(4) Single Ladies by Beyonce-I'm pretty sure it's impossible to create a single playlist without including this song. I dare you to listen without dancing. Ha! In any event, I love this song because, once again, it CELEBRATES being single (don't worry guys, you can dance too. No Judgement).

(5) Cough Syrup by Young the Giant-This song deserves to be blasted from speakers and sent out into the world. Life's too short to even care at all, as the song says. It has taken me from every bad mood I've had and transformed me into a strong little thing. Because why spend so much time pining? Why not just enjoy.

(6) We Are Young by Fun.-How many times have you just died to throw your fist up in the air when the chorus comes up? Is it just me? This song is the voice of our generation calling to us (not to literally set the world on fire, though, so please don't get too many bad ideas). Celebrate with friends, celebrate alone, but seriously CELEBRATE this moment. We can afford to be young and dumb every once in a while. So grab your buddies and sing this song as loud as humanly possible.

(7) You and I by Lady Gaga-I love this song. LOVE LOVE LOVE. Truly madly, deeply impassioned. This song makes me want to grab my imaginary stilettos and dance with someone hot. Someone I don't know. I had some severe reservations about this song. Because she's talking to an ex lover. Still, it's my power song. How much does it fill your body with courage? Plus, Mr. Gaga is just about the hottest thing I have ever seen.

(8) Bad Reputation by Joan Jett-Joanie is my favourite person in the entire world (aside from the Most Interesting Man in the World). She is so bad ass that she doesn't need anyone. She doesn't care what anyone thinks of her. When I'm nervous, I just think WWJJD? And then I sing this song. And then I know.

(9) Famous Last Words by My Chemical Romance-I am going to get this song tattooed on me somewhere. "I am not afraid to keep on living, I am not afraid to walk this world alone..." It used to scare me. I used to need someone with me (more specifically Joe). But one day it hit me. Adopt that which you fear, like Ridin Solo, and you have power. Truth is, this song taught me that being alone and not compromising what is most important to you isn't scary. It's liberating.

(10) So What by Pink-needless to say, this song caused a lot of discussion. On one side, it is one of the best single songs ever. However, being single is about more than breaking up. It's choosing to be a rock star...with or without someone else. Again, channel your inner bad ass. Being single rocks AS LONG as you treat it as such. Aside from that, Pink is kick ass, how can you not feel amazing listening to her music?

(11) Oh So Quiet by Bjork-Ok, so playing this song while I'm working is a hazard. Every time I listen to it, I want to randomly break out in song and dance. In any event, I really love the comparison between the light, quiet times (single) and the big Broadway-sounding times (relationships). Plus, relationships always make me scream like that.

(12) There is A Light by the Smiths- I am madly in love with the Smiths. If anyone remembers Zooey Deschanel in the elevator in 500 Days of Summer, this is the song she was singing along to. The Smiths are all about horrible unending misery. Consequently, this is not a very single type of song. However, this reminds me of my friends, of me, of feeling like there is no home. So, I know it has nothing to do with being single, but it's really fun to sing along with.

(13) Bad Day by Dresden Dolls-I am also madly in love with Dresden Dolls. There are so many little lyric snippets in this song that pertain to being deliciously single. They include, "I'd rather be a bitch than be an ordinary broken heart" and "I'd like to do more than survive, I'd like to throw it in your face." Maybe these little lines help me every time I'm in Joe's neighborhood (well, that and the Jeep Song). It's a power animal--like a penguin--in song format...plus I love that extra bit at the end.

(14) Once More With Feeling by Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly.-This song is so beautiful. So inspiring. I seriously don't remember where I first heard it, but what I do know is how much it's helped me though. The best part? "You know it's not naive to think that you can change the things around, and that no man is an island..."

(15) Decoy by Paramore-I feel horrible that this song is on here, but sometimes it's kill or be killed. If some people weren't my decoys, I would be that decoy. They all know that they're decoys. I'm not evil. "I was gone from the very first day..."

(16) New Romantic by Laura Marling-And this is the reason for the decoys. I'd listened to this song plenty of times while being single, but it's never fit like this. "My mind has fucked me over more times than any man could ever know..." If you know me, you probably know how freakishly suiting this song is for me. I love the simplicity of knowing that it just isn't working. It won't work. I am an island of my own.

(17) Pale Blue Eyes by Velvet Underground-For those almost romances, or maybe you're the one with the "Pale Blue Eyes"...in any event, it reminds me of the last frame of the Graduate. **Spoiler Alert!** He knows that she's married, he knows it'll never happen, so does she. Still, they tried. And there is nothing more heartbreaking than that last frame, knowing that he was just seconds too late. With this song, regardless of who you are in the situation, you're feeling more single than you ever have.

(18) Bang Bang by Christina Perri-This song makes me giggle. Because Karma does, in fact, taste so sweet. So don't obsess over exs, just know karma always balances everything.

(19) All She Wrote by TI and Eminem-This is a complete and total guilty pleasure. Remember those songs I used to fear? Well, Joe conditioned me to fear this song. He played it every time he was mad at me. So what did I do? Well, in my goodbye letter to him, I wrote "Goodbye, it's over with." Also, I enjoy having my own money and not have to buy anything for anyone else. So, I love rapping along.

(20) Shake It Out by Flourence and the Machine-I am so enamored with affection for the line "And I am done with my graceless heart, so tonight I'm going to cut it out and then restart". It's time to let go of the past (the devil on your back). I believe so deeply in self transformation and being single is the perfect time to accomplish it. I would love to cut out my graceless (tiny tin) heart.

(21) Best Damn Thing by Avril Lavigne-considering what I titled this blog post, I am shocked I almost didn't put it on here. In any event, this makes me smile. Because I may not have a lot of confidence sometimes, but I truly am a scene. If you acted more like this, I bet you'd have no problem being single. You'd be so confident in yourself and know EXACTLY what you want: your Cinderella story scene.

(22) Addicted by Saving Abel-This is my naughty side coming out. And this is the way I treat being single. Because, darlings, being single is not about being alone. It's about being whatever you want to be. If you want to be a "succubus" (as the Brothers refer to me), then you can be a succubus. If you want to be a saint, you can be that too. If you're lonely, you have to channel the inner bad ass.

(23) The Undertaker by Puscifer (Renhold Remix)-I drive too fast with this song. Anyway. The vocals in this song are simply astounding. This song makes me feel better about being single and about trusting people. Some people are just liars, losers, and fakes. It doesn't mean you have to put up with it and it certainly doesn't mean you have to be like them.

(24) Young Blood by Naked and Famous-This song reminds me of a summer romance, but not a relationship. "The bittersweet between my teeth, trying to find the in-between, Hold back and love eventually." The art of being exclusively non-exclusive. Which is my favourite game.

(25) Youth by Foxes-I hate techno and dubstep. This song, however, resonates within me. "Don't tell me our youth is running out, it's only just begun..." Something super important about being single is celebration: celebration of youth, of independence, of life and limb. This song reminds me of that celebration.

(26) Sing by My Chemical Romance-This song gives me shivers like no other. I'm obsessed with songs that call you out and tell you to sing--to sing loud, to sing off key, to sing for those who can't or choose not to, sing for those with nothing to sing about. Singing is my favourite artistic expression. Singing about your singleness or "the ones you left behind" is the ultimate cure for those lonely days (if this song inspires you, look up Sing by the Dresden Dolls--you'll love it).

(27) What's Up by 4 Non-blondes-This is the song to sing loudly and off key, or on key. It's incredible and the most highly under rated song in the world. "And so I cry sometimes when I'm lying in bed, to get it all out, what's in my head and I, I'm feeling a little peculiar". I don't feel I need to justify this song on this playlist.

(28) Raise your Glass by Pink-My roommate and I discussed at length whether to include this song or So What. Then I remembered, it's my playlist. I can have both. As a "Dirty Little Freak", this song is all about the party, about experiencing and not getting into serious relationships that leave you downtrodden and broken. Just raise your glass and have fun.

(29) Skyscraper by Demi Lovato- On a more serious note, this song is bad ass. Really bad ass. She is so tiny but so strong. Be more like Demi Lovato

(30) Free Bird by Lynyrd Skynyrd- This song is all about cutting ties and being single, almost in a Christopher McCandless sense (without the dying and such). Whenever I'm scared of being alone, I listen to this song and realize that I'm an unchangeable bird, with an epic ending guitar solo.

(31) I Want to Break Free by Queen- My theme song! This is not just about breaking free from relationships, but also breaking free from societal rules and social expectations.


***yes, I do have a new found obsession with youth. enjoy your body before your tits start sagging!!***

20 Reasons Why Being Single Rocks

"I'm feeling like a star, you can't stop my shine,
I'm loving cloud nine, my head's in the sky,
I'm solo, I'm riding solo..."
-Jason Derulo

I love being single and there are just so many reasons why. But the top ones have to be these:

(1) You don't have to worry about your privacy being invaded.

(2) Everything you get, you don't have to share.

(3) You can be impulsive, ask for someone's number, make out with some hottie you just met...

(4) More time to spend with friends.

(5) Changing yourself for you, not for what your Insignificant Other wants you to be.

(6) No jealousy or suspicion.

(7) You're not tied down. You could run away to Paris if you really wanted to.

(8) You feel like a whole person, not just part of a couple.

(9) NO IN-LAWS!

(10) You can watch all those movies that some people might not like (for instance, chick flicks...southern chick flicks).

(11) Much more fun at clubs and social gatherings.

(12) You're not a trophy. You are you, in unapologetic abundance.

(13) You have more time to focus on school/work/hobbies, etc.

(14) Every new person you meet, a first kiss.

(15) You don't have to hang out with people you don't really like.

(16) You can have your place just the way you want it.

(17) You don't have to worry about your phone always being on you.

(18) It's all yours. You're not cleaning anyone else's mess, buying anyone else's cigarettes, or wondering who's pair of underwear was kicked under your bed.

(19) There is no pressure on you to be a certain way.

(20) Food. You can eat the food where ever you want, when ever you want, you can eat whatever you want. You want to eat your food in your birthday suit? Go for it.

With that, I will talk about some utterly fantastic recipes for singles:

Honey dijon pork chop for 1

Minutes to Prepare: 10

Minutes to Cook: 10

Number of Servings: 1

Ingredients

3 oz. boneless pork chop
3 tsp. honey
1 tsp dijon mustard
1 tsp lemon juice
Pepper to taste

Directions

Makes one serving

mix honey, dijon mustard, and lemon juice. Rub pepper into pork chop. Cook in no fat cooking spray until brown. Add liquid mixture until carmelized.

Number of Servings: 1

Recipe submitted by SparkPeople user EUMENIDES_K.


http://recipes.sparkpeople.com/recipe-detail.asp?recipe=91547

Tandoori Chicken
2 lbs. chicken (cut into 1-inch cubes)
1 cup plain yogurt
Juice of 1 lemon
2 teaspoons curry powder
1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
1 teaspoon fresh ginger, grated
1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper (optional)
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 Tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil
1/2 onion, thinly sliced
1/4 cup fresh cilantro, minced
2 cups cooked white rice

In a bowl, combine yogurt, lemon juice, curry powder, garlic powder, ginger, cayenne and salt. Add chicken and stir until chicken is completely coated. Transfer to a resealable plastic bag and refrigerate for at least 1 hour and up to 24 hours.

In a large skillet, heat olive oil over medium heat. Add onions and sauté until translucent and tender, about 10 minutes. Add chicken and cook about 7-8 minutes, stirring often, until completely done.

Serve over rice and top with fresh cilantro.

Broccoli and Cheese Calzones with Tomato Dipping Sauce
1 package frozen pizza dough, thawed
1 (10 ounce) package frozen broccoli florets, thawed and finely chopped
1/3 teaspoon garlic powder
1/2 teaspoon dried oregano
1 cup shredded mozzarella
1/2 cup grated Parmesan
2 Tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil, divided
Jarred tomato sauce

Preheat oven to 500 F.

In a medium bowl, combine broccoli, garlic powder, oregano, mozzarella, parmesan, and 1 tablespoon olive oil. Set aside.

Divide pizza dough into four sections. Roll each piece into a six-inch circle. Evenly divide broccoli mixture onto 1/2 of each circle, leaving a 1/2 inch border. Fold the unfilled side over the filling. Crimp the edges with a fork.

Place the calzones onto a lightly-greased baking sheet. Using a pastry brush, coat each calzone with remaining 1 tablespoon olive oil. Bake for 15 minutes, or until golden brown. Sprinkle with parmesan and serve with prepared tomato sauce.

Breakfast Smoothie
1/2 cup frozen fruit
1/2 cup yogurt
1 cup milk

Combine all ingredients in a blender and blend until smooth.

Chocolate-Peanut Butter Milkshake
1 cup chocolate ice cream
2 Tablespoons peanut butter
1 cup milk

Combine all ingredients in a blender and blend until smooth.

Spaghetti Carbonara
1 lb. spaghetti
8 slices bacon, cut into 1/2 inch pieces
3 eggs
3/4 cup grated parmesan cheese
1/2 cup pasta water
1/4 teaspoon black pepper

In a large pot of salted boiling water, cook spaghetti until al dente, about 8-9 minutes. Drain and reserve 1/2 cup of pasta water.

In a large sauté pan, cook bacon until crisp. Transfer to a paper towel-lined plate to drain. Drain grease from pan.

In a bowl, whisk eggs, parmesan, pasta water, and pepper. Place pasta in large sauté pan over medium-low heat. Quickly stir in egg mixture and reserved bacon and toss to coat. Remove from heat and serve immediately.



Read more: Cooking for One - Easy Meals for One Person - Marie Claire

My personal favourite?

Grilled Ham and Cheese

3 slices of the cheese of your choice (I use American, mainly because I'm a junkfooder like that)

4 thin slices of ham

2 pieces of bread (again, to your choosing. Wonderbread rocks)

Margarine or Butter

Prep:

Pull out ingredients, lightly cover both sides of each slice of bread with butter/margarine (if you put too much on, the bread will become too soggy and tear). Turn stove up to 6...NO MORE THAN 6! That's how you can end up with Cajun style Grilled Cheese. Assemble ingredients: (1) bread, (1) cheese, (2) ham, (1) cheese, (2) ham, (1) cheese, (1) bread.

Cook:

Put the fully assembled sandwich on the stove. Leave it there for about three minutes without moving it. I promise you that if the bread is fully grilled, it will not stick to the bottom. After three minutes, lightly tap the bottom piece with a spatula. If it moves and is hard, flip that bad boy. If the crust is still weak, leave it be for another minute. The second side will take less time to cook. Tap the bottom piece the same way you did with the other. I always flip it twice to make sure both sides are golden.

Serve:

Put GHC on a plate, put condiments on plate, enjoy.

Happy Single Adventures and Happy Cooking!

-Alaska

This Has Been A Post (by Sarah)

Hello dears. Alaska asked me to write a few posts for her blog, and I’ll admit that I was nervous. Honestly, I will always be nervous with regards to my writing. That’s okay, though. Alaska’s declaration of “single week” made me smile, and I have a few things to say, for those that might not enjoy the whole single thing.

You should never be defined by another person. Not now, not ever. If you lose sight of yourself, then how will your significant other see you? How will anyone? There will come a day in which you realize that you can’t simply melt into another person. You can’t become someone’s heart, no matter how nice it would be to just beat and love until you stop altogether. You can’t stop taking care of yourself. You always have to be strong on some level, and it is crucial that you find ways to do that. You have to catch yourself, in the end. It’s not so bad, though. All of that strength lives within you.

If you are recovering from a past relationship, I don’t recommend dwelling on the negatives. Grudges make one bitter, and blame is nothing but poison. The reality is that you can’t force another person to change. I am speaking from experience with several people when I say that. You can try, and you can wish, and you can ask them to be good again, but in the end only they have control. There is no point in driving yourself insane over someone else’s problems.

So what do you do? Well, I tend to retreat into myself and ask the universe what I can change. Granted, this self-evaluation doesn’t happen until I’ve gone through a fuckton of tea and books and music to offset the shock and the panic attacks my brain likes to throw in for good measure, but I do hit that point eventually. The pain runs its course, and then I am numb. Emotions are gone, and I ask myself if I still care. Do you know what the answer tends to be? My heart likes to say “yes,” in a very flat, matter-of-fact tone. At this point, I get mad at the damn thing, but it’s pretty fucking stubborn, so there you go.

If you are anything like me, you have probably been hurt by more than one person in your life. You might feel betrayed, frightened, lost, alone, etc etc etc. That’s okay, and completely normal. It’s also okay to believe that you can’t trust anyone but yourself, and it’s okay to not want to open up to another person for a while. It’s all okay. But how do you trust again? Do you ever heal in a way that lets your heart open up again?

“A fool is one who goes on trusting; a fool is one who goes on trusting against all his experience. You deceive him, and he trusts you; and you deceive him again, and he trusts you; and you deceive him again, and he trusts you. Then you will say that he is a fool, he does not learn. His trust is tremendous; his trust is so pure that nobody can corrupt it.
Be a fool in the Taoist sense, in the Zen sense. Don´t try to create a wall of knowledge around you. Whatsoever experience comes to you, let it happen, and then go on dropping it. Go on cleaning your mind continuously; go on dying to the past so you remain in the present, here now, as if just born, just a babe.
In the beginning it is going to be very difficult. The world will start taking advantage of you...let them. They are poor fellows. Even if you are cheated and deceived and robbed, let it happen, because that which is really yours cannot be robbed from you, that which is really yours nobody can steal from you.
And each time you don´t allow situations to corrupt you, that opportunity will become an integration inside. Your soul will become more crystallized.“

That quote is from the lovely Osho. He knows things.

Basically, bad things happen so that the good things have room. There will always be hard times in life, but you can’t let them ruin you. If you listen, and if you accept what the universe is trying to teach you with all of these bad things, then you will learn and become a better person.

So look at the bad things. Look at the loneliness, the sadness, the confusion. Take a good long look, open your mind, and pay attention. What can you learn from your aloneness? What can you learn from past relationships, past friendships, past family hardships? If you dwell on them forever, you will hurt yourself. If you let them change you for the better, then that is good. Ask yourself what you want to change about you, and what you want with the next person (or even the next attempt with an old relationship), but most importantly, ask yourself what you want with you. There is something to be learned from every bit of pain. Solitude is not a curse, but rather a blessing. A chance to learn. Never stop learning.

I hope you're all well, and thank you to Alaska for asking me to write.

-Sarah

Alaska's Adventures As A Single Lady Part One

"I am not afraid to keep on living,
I am not afraid to walk this world alone..."
-My Chemical Romance

In order for me to properly explain my adventures as a single lady, I must explain the experience of before.

When I was 17, I met this guy (oh, we'll call him Joe Schmoe again). He was a friend of my best friend's boyfriend. We were obviously interested in each other. Fast forward six months (I could write, and am in the process of writing, a 300 page novel about it), we're moved in together and engaged. Last Summer, we took a break and both slept with people. I forgave him, he never forgave me. Another month and I was pregnant. I lost the baby and everything spiraled down from there. He left me, but we weren't broken up. We were in a perpetual state of being exclusive, but not being a couple. Then, he brought to light that he had been sleeping around with other women.

And this is how my summer began. The next day, I went into work sick as a dog. So sick, in fact, that I had to leave work. I left work and met up with my friend Bella, who said that she would take me out that night. That was the day (yes, the day right after I found out Joe had been sleeping around) that admissions at UNC had emailed me, telling me I had been accepted. This was my beginning and will be my longest Single Lady adventure.

Bella had advised me to not talk to Joe too much. So, I let him know I had been accepted, we agreed to just be friends, and I didn't talk to him much for the next five hours. In those five hours, he had changed his facebook picture to a picture of the two of us, wrote a few statuses about how sad he was that he messed everything up, and texted me five times (which is more attention than I'd ever gotten in our relationship).

We went over to our friend's house and I drank tequila and champagne. Well, I'm a light weight. So I was happy-buzzed before we left to go to the Billiards Hall we frequent. Inviting all of our friends, we partied and I kissed some guys (and Bella). More information on the people I kissed later. In any event, I felt so very liberated and free and like nothing could stop me. And in my drunken blunder, I was right.

From there, a group of us went to Bella's work (a 24-hour diner) and we ate. Well, at this point, I texted Joe back, who was absolutely convinced that I had been with other dudes. My only regret about that night is that I didn't point out that it was no longer his business and I can do whatever I damn well want. We were just friends and I did not have to divulge any information to him whatsoever. None. This, I did not do until the next day.

I kissed four people (including Bella) that night. (1) My friend who supplied me with tequila. (2) Some guy I had just met who, by the way, ended up dating my roomie. (3) Bella. And (4) another one of my guy friends. After that night, my summer was on fire (sadly, that does mean literally as well).

The next day, Joe and I had a not-so-pleasant conversation about saying goodbye. He never told me what he did that night, but I finally fessed up to kissing some people. He got mad, I called him a (pardon my french) "fucking hypocrite".

And that story will be continued tomorrow.

Until Then, I leave you with hope that you are having a fantastic adventure of your own.

Peace out, Girl Scouts,

Alaska