Hello dears. Alaska asked me to write a few posts for her blog, and I’ll admit that I was nervous. Honestly, I will always be nervous with regards to my writing. That’s okay, though. Alaska’s declaration of “single week” made me smile, and I have a few things to say, for those that might not enjoy the whole single thing.
You should never be defined by another person. Not now, not ever. If you lose sight of yourself, then how will your significant other see you? How will anyone? There will come a day in which you realize that you can’t simply melt into another person. You can’t become someone’s heart, no matter how nice it would be to just beat and love until you stop altogether. You can’t stop taking care of yourself. You always have to be strong on some level, and it is crucial that you find ways to do that. You have to catch yourself, in the end. It’s not so bad, though. All of that strength lives within you.
If you are recovering from a past relationship, I don’t recommend dwelling on the negatives. Grudges make one bitter, and blame is nothing but poison. The reality is that you can’t force another person to change. I am speaking from experience with several people when I say that. You can try, and you can wish, and you can ask them to be good again, but in the end only they have control. There is no point in driving yourself insane over someone else’s problems.
So what do you do? Well, I tend to retreat into myself and ask the universe what I can change. Granted, this self-evaluation doesn’t happen until I’ve gone through a fuckton of tea and books and music to offset the shock and the panic attacks my brain likes to throw in for good measure, but I do hit that point eventually. The pain runs its course, and then I am numb. Emotions are gone, and I ask myself if I still care. Do you know what the answer tends to be? My heart likes to say “yes,” in a very flat, matter-of-fact tone. At this point, I get mad at the damn thing, but it’s pretty fucking stubborn, so there you go.
If you are anything like me, you have probably been hurt by more than one person in your life. You might feel betrayed, frightened, lost, alone, etc etc etc. That’s okay, and completely normal. It’s also okay to believe that you can’t trust anyone but yourself, and it’s okay to not want to open up to another person for a while. It’s all okay. But how do you trust again? Do you ever heal in a way that lets your heart open up again?
“A fool is one who goes on trusting; a fool is one who goes on trusting against all his experience. You deceive him, and he trusts you; and you deceive him again, and he trusts you; and you deceive him again, and he trusts you. Then you will say that he is a fool, he does not learn. His trust is tremendous; his trust is so pure that nobody can corrupt it.
Be a fool in the Taoist sense, in the Zen sense. Don´t try to create a wall of knowledge around you. Whatsoever experience comes to you, let it happen, and then go on dropping it. Go on cleaning your mind continuously; go on dying to the past so you remain in the present, here now, as if just born, just a babe.
In the beginning it is going to be very difficult. The world will start taking advantage of you...let them. They are poor fellows. Even if you are cheated and deceived and robbed, let it happen, because that which is really yours cannot be robbed from you, that which is really yours nobody can steal from you.
And each time you don´t allow situations to corrupt you, that opportunity will become an integration inside. Your soul will become more crystallized.“
That quote is from the lovely Osho. He knows things.
Basically, bad things happen so that the good things have room. There will always be hard times in life, but you can’t let them ruin you. If you listen, and if you accept what the universe is trying to teach you with all of these bad things, then you will learn and become a better person.
So look at the bad things. Look at the loneliness, the sadness, the confusion. Take a good long look, open your mind, and pay attention. What can you learn from your aloneness? What can you learn from past relationships, past friendships, past family hardships? If you dwell on them forever, you will hurt yourself. If you let them change you for the better, then that is good. Ask yourself what you want to change about you, and what you want with the next person (or even the next attempt with an old relationship), but most importantly, ask yourself what you want with you. There is something to be learned from every bit of pain. Solitude is not a curse, but rather a blessing. A chance to learn. Never stop learning.
I hope you're all well, and thank you to Alaska for asking me to write.
-Sarah
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