This is me working out some of my issues, I don't even know if this blog will have any moral or lesson. I'm just going to jump right into it.
Over the past year, I have been trying to force myself into so many things. To be normal, to feel okay, to be someone I feel like everyone else deserves. It's been a very long time since I wrote because I didn't feel like what I had to say was wonderful or inspiring. I have found myself in a hole that is so hard to climb out of. When I was little, I always imagined I would have everything figured out by now. I still feel like, once I'm 25, I will have way more figured out than I do right now.
It has taken so many late, drunken nights of wondering why I'm here or what the hell I am doing in order for me to come to some of the conclusions I have come to. Maybe I'm just having a euphoric episode and I'll be back to that hole any minute (though I certainly hope not).
My childhood really did a number on me and I can see it now. The lack of having my mother in my life made a void in my life that I filled with media. Parts of me are really glad I did. My role models growing up were Audrey Hepburn and Marilyn Monroe and Amanda Palmer, Alaska Young and Daisy from Great Gatsby, Buffy and Willow. My home was that space between my ears and the music I was listening to, loud and on repeat, in my car, my room, my head... As such, I am a strange person. I am not someone everyone at work gets along with. Sometimes I worry that I'm that weird kid in spandex that people only hang out with because they feel sorry for me.
I have also learned my capacity of both maturity and stupidity. I have made some crazy mistakes in the past year that have lead me to believe that my life was over or simply that I'll never escape from them. I have also grown to take care of the people around me and even tolerate things that maybe shouldn't be tolerated. I'm beginning to see now, though, that all of those cheesy inspirational quotes are right. Mistakes are learning experiences and they are what makes me me. My maturity is something that I can be proud of and draw strength from that.
My hopes are that I can continue to grow and create and make these new fun (and sometimes horrible) memories. Sometimes, you just have to stop waiting for your ship to come in and move and shake instead.
Thank you,
Alaska Miller
