Read me your tombstone, tell me you're sorry, fax me your will, you owe me something still
Blood is like water, the bath that you poured me has drained and it's gone...
-Don't Blame Your Daughter by the Cardigans
Hey guys!
I know I don't talk too much about myself and my daily goings-on on this blog, but I figured now might be a good time to start. The quote above is my feelings toward someone I honestly thought I'd never feel this way for. This post is about my mother.
From the time I was nine/ten to the time I was eighteen, I was not allowed to see or talk to my own mother. When I was younger, I didn't understand the reasons why and, as a result, I treated my father horribly. I wasn't allowed to see her because she was an alcoholic and the environment she put my brother and me in was a poisonous one. She didn't have the capability to provide us with some very simple things. For example, one year, she forgot Christmas. As a result, we didn't have any Christmas presents or a tree of any kind. I still remember my brother crying because he felt like he wasn't even important for Santa Clause to remember. While I knew better at that time, I was still astonished that she forgot. Our own mother forgot us. Luckily, my dad hadn't forgot and he had several presents and a tree at his house. Still, it was a rough thing for two very young people to go through.
She married a man that was abusive--both sexually and physically--to my family. I could make an argument that she was too afraid to leave him, but when you have kids on the line, the last thing you should be doing is shutting off the world and turning to the bottle. My brother and I have been traumatized from our past experiences. She simply didn't care. These are the reasons why we could not legally see her until the age of eighteen.
Still, when my grandmother died, she and I began to communicate by exchanging letters and emails. I thought it was right. I even went to a restaurant with her once and looked at her thinking "it's totally fine that I idolize her." After all, she was my mother. It shouldn't be a bad thing to lie to my father about communicating with her, right? Needless to say, my father found out and grounded me. I was so mad at him for such a long time. I didn't talk to her again until the day I turned into an adult legally.
I remember bringing two of my friends and telling them to be careful. I told them that she was very charismatic, but she is dangerous if you get too close. Unfortunately, I didn't listen to my own advise and spent two years loving her, caring for her, and being so mad I couldn't breathe.
This past winter break, Zach and I went to her place and her true colors came out. She was mean. She called me an attention whore and said terrible things to my brother. The worst part: she refused to quit drinking. My new stepfather (not abusive) had been working so hard to get her to quit, but he was falling into a pattern of denial. I spoke with her on the phone once after Winter Break and she was mad at me for my lack of sympathy. She didn't even ask me how I was doing.
I asked my dad and he blocked her number so that I could not receive phone calls from her. Still, I felt like I needed to tell her that she will no longer be a part of my life. I wrote her a message on Facebook. She wrote back and told me that I am no longer a part of her family. She later apologized for this, but only because my brother called her and told her to do so. The proudest day of my life was blocking her on Facebook. I said what I had to for me. I knew she would never listen to me.
She has since said terrible things about me to her friends, to my brother, etc. All the same, I remain calmed by the fact that I said my peace. I am happier without her poison in my beautiful world.
Guys, if you are in any form of relationship like this, it's time to get out. Don't try to save people who don't want to be saved. It'll only ever end up with you on the ground sobbing your eyes out. People like her--there is no getting through to them. Have the conviction to love yourself enough to prevent them from getting into your world. Regardless of who the person is, if they have no respect for you, then have enough love for yourself to let them go.
And make your world a little bit more beautiful.
-Alaska
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